Cause I fell on black days

Another rock legend gone.  Chris Cornell, vocalist of one of the big 3 Seattle grunge bands Soundgarden died last night after a show in Detroit.  He was only 52. I have always had this morbid curiosity as to why/how people die, especially at a young age.  Old age, cancer, heart disease,  these all makes sense but a spry man in his early 50’s with no health concerns and is currently touring?  Something doesn’t make sense.  Then the ball drops.  There is speculation that the lead singer hanged himself in his hotel room after his performance Wednesday night.  May is mental health awareness month; last week was mental health week.  The timing of this tragic event couldn’t have been more prolific.

I was never a huge Soundgarden fan. I first heard them when I was still a kid with the release of Badtmotorfinger in 1991.  I still remember the first time I saw the Jesus Christ pose video and how it scared the shit out of me.  I was playing with Lego or something and left it on Much Music and this video came on.  I looked up when I heard those guitar riffs that sounded like alarm sirens and saw these flashing images of crosses and terminator skulls and it seriously freaked me out! But I couldn’t stop watching it.  Back in the day you were either team Pearl jam, team Nirvana or team Soundgarden and though I did own that cassette tape, I was playing for another team.  Soundgarden was the “skid” group, the more metal sounding grunge band.  They were the least popular of the 3 and being a stupid kid one would think I would naturally choose the least popular one just to be different but my heart belonged to another.  That album was on heavy rotation along with the others but when my little brother’s friend showed up to my house in a soundgarden shirt one day, I rolled my disapproving big sister eyes and retired the tape.  (Quick side note, that friend is still a huge Soundgarden fan and he was the person that broke the news to me that Kurt Cobain died. I’ll always remember that). A few years later when I was coming of age, the ridiculously massive Superunknown came out.  It didn’t sound like Soundgarden. It lost its heavy, metal vibe, was over produced, and became too commercial and I was done.  I can understand why there might have had some creative differences between Chris and the rest of the band.  One mediocre album later and they disbanded.  And then there was Audioslave and his solo stuff but this is not supposed to be a reflection of his life’s work, it’s a reflection of his life and what transpired the moments before his death so let’s get back to the hard and heavy.

We have lost quite a few music icons over the last year.  I literally cried when David Bowie died. It was sudden but he did suffer from cancer and was 70 years old. Fucking Prince?  Fentanyl overdose?  it was  “accidental” and then there was George Michael.  No one saw that coming and of course there were rumors flying around about his death but it finally came back that he died of natural causes.  What is natural about a 51 year old man dying alone in bed on Christmas, I don’t know.   What is so tragic about someone that dies by suicide is that some of those answers as to why are never answered.  It leaves an empty hole in your heart that will never be filled.  I think that the hardest thing for people to grasp is why. Why would a person that on the surface seems to have everything could fathom to do something like this.  The truth is no one really knows what goes on inside someone’s head.  Some people are good at hiding it. High functioning depression is hard to distinguish because it doesn’t have the same general signs and symptoms of what depression is supposed to look like.  It’s hard to diagnose because some people don’t even know they are even sick or, even worse, your loved ones don’t believe you are ill. One day you seem ok. You are productive at work, social and appear to be “happy” and the next day you can’t get out of bed. This can get confusing for others and they can see it as cry for attention rather than a legitimate warning sign that something is wrong.  It is easy to understand why some people might not disclose this information to anyone.  Some (myself included) have tried tirelessly to talk about it and have been met with less than ideal understanding.  Some reach out and get their hand bitten. Some reach out and get ignored.  Some reach out and get chastised for crying wolf.  Eventually you learn not to reach out anymore, that its better suffering alone and that is the true tragedy.  Is this what he was feeling on the night he chose to end his life? What was going on in Chris’s head that made him feel like if he had to hide his struggles instead of reaching out for help?   I don’t think anyone will ever really know.  

I can hear it already: but he had everything, loyal fans, a wife, kids, friends and family, a career that spanned decades, talent, money, fame, fortune, why did he do this?   The sad thing about depression is that you feel so dead inside you can’t feel anything else.  All this stuff didn’t matter.  None of it did.   Chris had his own demons and has battled depression and drug use for years.  No one wakes up and chooses to be an addict. There were/are reasons why he was self- medicating. Like many illnesses there is always the possibility of relapse.  Maybe this is what was going on and since he didn’t have his usual coping strategies to rely on, he felt like he didn’t have anything else. That guilt must have been heavy.  That he couldn’t just beat this illness and couldn’t stand the look of disappointment on his family’ faces.  That is now a burden.   I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of pressure he was under.   You are clean and sober now and you have a family to take care of. Everyone is watching. Don’t fuck up.

The family made a statement about Chris’s death that speculates his actions were effected by his prescription of Ativan (a benzodiazepine used for its sedative effect) and that on that night he might have taken too much.  I always found it bizarre that the treatment for suicidal thoughts is pills that have the potential to cause suicidal thoughts.  It never made sense to me until I asked a doctor friend why.  He said that when you are depressed, your mood and motivation is low.  When you take an antidepressant, your energy levels return faster than your mood so now that motivation is coming from a dark mood which can cause people to do things that they normally would not do so that  is why it is important to be monitored until things have leveled out.   While this might have been a factor in his death, it’s hard to ignore the life long battle with mental illness and substance abuse as the primary cause.   It also further stigmatizes that pharmaceuticals are “evil” and should be avoided at all costs.  I don’t believe in prescribing medication haphazardly as a cure all but I also believe medication is highly effective when necessary.  I know for myself that I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for these same “benzos” that Chris was taking.   They literally saved my life and I’d hate to see anyone suffer needlessly because they read an article on the internet that all medication is bad. While I understand the family is mourning the loss of their beloved husband and father and are trying to make sense of this tragedy, I think that they might be in denial about how ill Chris really was.   There's that guilt again.  

There is no suffering greater than what drives people to suicide. It’s the moment when mental anguish exceeds the capacity to bear it.  You reach a point where you feel like there are no other options.  How do you convince yourself to live when all you want to do is die?  I can’t stand it when people tell you to find strength within yourself.  Obviously they can’t or they wouldn’t need help in the first place but yet I see so often people get chastised for having struggles. Blame the victim rather then the circumstances  No wonder people keep things inside.   Suicide is 100 percent preventable.  No one wants to die, they just want the pain to end.  It is the complete abandonment of all hope.   You can’t tell someone to keep trying to look for it because its not there.  Its gone.  Its noting coming back.   They need to be shown that they are worth a damn, even if they screw up.   Usually it’s not the initiating trauma that causes the pain but the lack of support after. This is where we can make a difference. Unconditional love, understanding and support is the key to giving someone the tinniest amount of light that they need to get themselves out of the dark when they fall "on black days”

Another rock legend laid to rest and unfortunately has become another rock cliche. RIP Chris.  I don’t think anyone knew how hard you fought to be here but I hope you have found your peace. Though I was never a huge fan, I respect your body of work and your immense contribution to music over the last 30 plus years.  I know there is talk about how he knew that this was going to be his last performance because he closed the show with a snippet of 'In My Time of Dying” but he actually did this throughout the tour. You only have to read his omniscient lyrics to know that he has been telling us his struggles for years.  When we are happy we enjoy the music, and when we are sad we understand lyrics and his music was so identifiable to millions of fans that could feel his pain.  

To anyone reading this that has had to endure the anguish of your own brain telling you that you are not worth it and fought tooth and nail to make it through the day, week, month, year, you deserve a big applause, a pat on the back and a hug. I’m truly at awe with you.  I think it was Juliette Lewis that said “the bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die’ and I couldn’t agree more.  It’s easier to give up, trust me, I have thought about it over and over again. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. To just say fuck it and put a final end to all this misery.  Its takes true courage to fight a battle with no army with the odds stacked against you and it takes real strength to get up when you have nothing left to stand for, especially when you’ve been knocked down over and over again. If you ever had to deal with those thoughts and made it through day in and you are still here day out, you are the real rock star. 

Whatsoever I've feared has come to life

Whatsoever I've fought off became my life

Just when everyday seemed to greet me with a smile

Sunspots have faded and now I'm doing time

Now I'm doing time

'Cause I fell on black days

I fell on black days

Whomsoever I've cured, I've sickened now

And whomsoever I've cradled, I've put you down

I'm a search light soul they say

But I can't see it in the night

I'm only faking when I get it right

When I get it right

'Cause I fell on black days

I fell on black days

How would I know

That this could be my fate?

How would I know

That this could be my fate? Yeah

Uh, uh, uh

Uh, uh, uh

Uh, uh, uh

So what you wanted to see good

Has made you blind

And what you wanted to be yours

Has made it mine

Don't you lock up something

That you wanted to see fly

Hands are for shaking

No, not tying, no, not tying

I sure don't mind a change

I sure don't mind a change

Yeah, I sure don't mind, sure don't mind a change

I sure don't mind a change

'Cause I fell on black days

I fell on black days

How would I know

That this could be my fate?

How would I know

That this could be my fate?

How would I know

That this could be my fate?

How would I know

That this could be my fate?

I sure don't mind a change