Cause I fell on black days

Another rock legend gone.  Chris Cornell, vocalist of one of the big 3 Seattle grunge bands Soundgarden died last night after a show in Detroit.  He was only 52. I have always had this morbid curiosity as to why/how people die, especially at a young age.  Old age, cancer, heart disease,  these all makes sense but a spry man in his early 50’s with no health concerns and is currently touring?  Something doesn’t make sense.  Then the ball drops.  There is speculation that the lead singer hanged himself in his hotel room after his performance Wednesday night.  May is mental health awareness month; last week was mental health week.  The timing of this tragic event couldn’t have been more prolific.

I was never a huge Soundgarden fan. I first heard them when I was still a kid with the release of Badtmotorfinger in 1991.  I still remember the first time I saw the Jesus Christ pose video and how it scared the shit out of me.  I was playing with Lego or something and left it on Much Music and this video came on.  I looked up when I heard those guitar riffs that sounded like alarm sirens and saw these flashing images of crosses and terminator skulls and it seriously freaked me out! But I couldn’t stop watching it.  Back in the day you were either team Pearl jam, team Nirvana or team Soundgarden and though I did own that cassette tape, I was playing for another team.  Soundgarden was the “skid” group, the more metal sounding grunge band.  They were the least popular of the 3 and being a stupid kid one would think I would naturally choose the least popular one just to be different but my heart belonged to another.  That album was on heavy rotation along with the others but when my little brother’s friend showed up to my house in a soundgarden shirt one day, I rolled my disapproving big sister eyes and retired the tape.  (Quick side note, that friend is still a huge Soundgarden fan and he was the person that broke the news to me that Kurt Cobain died. I’ll always remember that). A few years later when I was coming of age, the ridiculously massive Superunknown came out.  It didn’t sound like Soundgarden. It lost its heavy, metal vibe, was over produced, and became too commercial and I was done.  I can understand why there might have had some creative differences between Chris and the rest of the band.  One mediocre album later and they disbanded.  And then there was Audioslave and his solo stuff but this is not supposed to be a reflection of his life’s work, it’s a reflection of his life and what transpired the moments before his death so let’s get back to the hard and heavy.

We have lost quite a few music icons over the last year.  I literally cried when David Bowie died. It was sudden but he did suffer from cancer and was 70 years old. Fucking Prince?  Fentanyl overdose?  it was  “accidental” and then there was George Michael.  No one saw that coming and of course there were rumors flying around about his death but it finally came back that he died of natural causes.  What is natural about a 51 year old man dying alone in bed on Christmas, I don’t know.   What is so tragic about someone that dies by suicide is that some of those answers as to why are never answered.  It leaves an empty hole in your heart that will never be filled.  I think that the hardest thing for people to grasp is why. Why would a person that on the surface seems to have everything could fathom to do something like this.  The truth is no one really knows what goes on inside someone’s head.  Some people are good at hiding it. High functioning depression is hard to distinguish because it doesn’t have the same general signs and symptoms of what depression is supposed to look like.  It’s hard to diagnose because some people don’t even know they are even sick or, even worse, your loved ones don’t believe you are ill. One day you seem ok. You are productive at work, social and appear to be “happy” and the next day you can’t get out of bed. This can get confusing for others and they can see it as cry for attention rather than a legitimate warning sign that something is wrong.  It is easy to understand why some people might not disclose this information to anyone.  Some (myself included) have tried tirelessly to talk about it and have been met with less than ideal understanding.  Some reach out and get their hand bitten. Some reach out and get ignored.  Some reach out and get chastised for crying wolf.  Eventually you learn not to reach out anymore, that its better suffering alone and that is the true tragedy.  Is this what he was feeling on the night he chose to end his life? What was going on in Chris’s head that made him feel like if he had to hide his struggles instead of reaching out for help?   I don’t think anyone will ever really know.  

I can hear it already: but he had everything, loyal fans, a wife, kids, friends and family, a career that spanned decades, talent, money, fame, fortune, why did he do this?   The sad thing about depression is that you feel so dead inside you can’t feel anything else.  All this stuff didn’t matter.  None of it did.   Chris had his own demons and has battled depression and drug use for years.  No one wakes up and chooses to be an addict. There were/are reasons why he was self- medicating. Like many illnesses there is always the possibility of relapse.  Maybe this is what was going on and since he didn’t have his usual coping strategies to rely on, he felt like he didn’t have anything else. That guilt must have been heavy.  That he couldn’t just beat this illness and couldn’t stand the look of disappointment on his family’ faces.  That is now a burden.   I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of pressure he was under.   You are clean and sober now and you have a family to take care of. Everyone is watching. Don’t fuck up.

The family made a statement about Chris’s death that speculates his actions were effected by his prescription of Ativan (a benzodiazepine used for its sedative effect) and that on that night he might have taken too much.  I always found it bizarre that the treatment for suicidal thoughts is pills that have the potential to cause suicidal thoughts.  It never made sense to me until I asked a doctor friend why.  He said that when you are depressed, your mood and motivation is low.  When you take an antidepressant, your energy levels return faster than your mood so now that motivation is coming from a dark mood which can cause people to do things that they normally would not do so that  is why it is important to be monitored until things have leveled out.   While this might have been a factor in his death, it’s hard to ignore the life long battle with mental illness and substance abuse as the primary cause.   It also further stigmatizes that pharmaceuticals are “evil” and should be avoided at all costs.  I don’t believe in prescribing medication haphazardly as a cure all but I also believe medication is highly effective when necessary.  I know for myself that I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for these same “benzos” that Chris was taking.   They literally saved my life and I’d hate to see anyone suffer needlessly because they read an article on the internet that all medication is bad. While I understand the family is mourning the loss of their beloved husband and father and are trying to make sense of this tragedy, I think that they might be in denial about how ill Chris really was.   There's that guilt again.  

There is no suffering greater than what drives people to suicide. It’s the moment when mental anguish exceeds the capacity to bear it.  You reach a point where you feel like there are no other options.  How do you convince yourself to live when all you want to do is die?  I can’t stand it when people tell you to find strength within yourself.  Obviously they can’t or they wouldn’t need help in the first place but yet I see so often people get chastised for having struggles. Blame the victim rather then the circumstances  No wonder people keep things inside.   Suicide is 100 percent preventable.  No one wants to die, they just want the pain to end.  It is the complete abandonment of all hope.   You can’t tell someone to keep trying to look for it because its not there.  Its gone.  Its noting coming back.   They need to be shown that they are worth a damn, even if they screw up.   Usually it’s not the initiating trauma that causes the pain but the lack of support after. This is where we can make a difference. Unconditional love, understanding and support is the key to giving someone the tinniest amount of light that they need to get themselves out of the dark when they fall "on black days”

Another rock legend laid to rest and unfortunately has become another rock cliche. RIP Chris.  I don’t think anyone knew how hard you fought to be here but I hope you have found your peace. Though I was never a huge fan, I respect your body of work and your immense contribution to music over the last 30 plus years.  I know there is talk about how he knew that this was going to be his last performance because he closed the show with a snippet of 'In My Time of Dying” but he actually did this throughout the tour. You only have to read his omniscient lyrics to know that he has been telling us his struggles for years.  When we are happy we enjoy the music, and when we are sad we understand lyrics and his music was so identifiable to millions of fans that could feel his pain.  

To anyone reading this that has had to endure the anguish of your own brain telling you that you are not worth it and fought tooth and nail to make it through the day, week, month, year, you deserve a big applause, a pat on the back and a hug. I’m truly at awe with you.  I think it was Juliette Lewis that said “the bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die’ and I couldn’t agree more.  It’s easier to give up, trust me, I have thought about it over and over again. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. To just say fuck it and put a final end to all this misery.  Its takes true courage to fight a battle with no army with the odds stacked against you and it takes real strength to get up when you have nothing left to stand for, especially when you’ve been knocked down over and over again. If you ever had to deal with those thoughts and made it through day in and you are still here day out, you are the real rock star. 

Whatsoever I've feared has come to life

Whatsoever I've fought off became my life

Just when everyday seemed to greet me with a smile

Sunspots have faded and now I'm doing time

Now I'm doing time

'Cause I fell on black days

I fell on black days

Whomsoever I've cured, I've sickened now

And whomsoever I've cradled, I've put you down

I'm a search light soul they say

But I can't see it in the night

I'm only faking when I get it right

When I get it right

'Cause I fell on black days

I fell on black days

How would I know

That this could be my fate?

How would I know

That this could be my fate? Yeah

Uh, uh, uh

Uh, uh, uh

Uh, uh, uh

So what you wanted to see good

Has made you blind

And what you wanted to be yours

Has made it mine

Don't you lock up something

That you wanted to see fly

Hands are for shaking

No, not tying, no, not tying

I sure don't mind a change

I sure don't mind a change

Yeah, I sure don't mind, sure don't mind a change

I sure don't mind a change

'Cause I fell on black days

I fell on black days

How would I know

That this could be my fate?

How would I know

That this could be my fate?

How would I know

That this could be my fate?

How would I know

That this could be my fate?

I sure don't mind a change

I'll have a Big Mac with a side of ignoance

So Im sitting here again at a 24 hour McDonalds.  Quite busy considering its 10 pm on a Tuesday night.  I am stilling waiting for my order of a deluxe hot coco and im scanning the room to find a good place to set up for the next little while.  They closed the upstairs so the ground floor is the only option.  As I look for a table that doesn’t have reminisce of left over food particles from the previous diner I find a small table right by the window.   I put my stuff down briefly and walk over to get my order.  I come back and sitting on the opposite side of the window is a young, disheveled and looks to be homeless man.  I don’t mean to generalize or judge a person by their appearances but the lack of shoes and dollar store shopping bag he is using a cushion is kind of a give away.  I had every intention on getting some work done but this has side tracked me.   He has a few facial tattoos, and seems to be shaking and trembling while conversing with himself.  He also seems to be looking for something he dropped.  He has been doing this for 10 minutes now.  I don’t think he is going to find what ever he lost.    My first instinct is that he is either on some sort of drugs (recreational or other) or he is coming off of them.  I see people walk by him and they don’t give him a second thought. Stare straight ahead as they scramble by to get their big macs.   It makes me so sad that people are quick to judge and are so ignorant.  There is a reason why that fellow is like the way he is.  Even if the drug use is what this key issue is, why does his life matter less then then the other people walking in here?  even if you are so ignorant that you believe that people that do drugs did it to themselves,  it doesn’t change the fact there are reasons why people end up like this.   No I never did drugs, I never really drank all that much I still don’t but it doesn’t mean I don’t know why people choose to self medicate.  Then when you find the one thing that helps, even if it’s a tiny bite,  everyone tells you well you cant have that anymore. Worse, you become physically dependent.    So what are your options?  The side effects of what drug of choice you choose to do or absolute misery.  And you still wonder why people end up like this?  Regardless, there is always a cause.  Always.  Instead we victim blame and judge instead of offering compassion and support.  “oh, they just don’t want to help themselves”.  New flash, they don’t know how to.  

  People don’t choose to be drug addicts.  It’s a by product of circumstance.  I wonder if anyone saw the warning signs of this young fellow?  I wonder if anyone cared?  I wondered if his supports got fed up with him failing to be clean and they washed their hand with him?   Kind of like what happened to me.  I’m not nearly as destitute at this guy but I can still feel the same kind of rejection.  If I didn’t self loath and hurt myself in other ways,  would i be that all different then him.  I guess the point I am trying to make is that everyone deals with things differently.  Your struggles are real.  They are not more or less important then anyone elses and if anyone tells you that they are , they are dead wrong.  What do you have to be so depressed about?  People have it worse then you, you should be counting you blessing not bitching about them.  And people say in negative? Wonder why when this is the stuff I have to deal with. Well it seems that the young gentlemen has a friend, equally as disheveled.  Haha, I can feel myself smirking because these derelicts have more friends then I do.  It reminds me of the book heaver then heaven, the unofficial biography of kurt cobain. One of very few books I actually read.  The few days before he died, he left rehab and instead of going back to his family and friends he chose to hang out with other drug users.  Why?  Because they saw him as just another use.  Just another person.  Not the biggest rock star on the planet.  They understood his pain.  Its too bad that the people who were the most empathizing were also too far gone to help.  Everyone isn’t your friend.  Just because they hang out with you and do stuff with doesn’t mean they are you true friends.  Maybe that’s what kurt always wanted.  Someone that could really, wholeheartedly love him in the way he so desperately needed.  Sadly, he could find that.  And I remember reading the book and crying thinking am I doomed to end up like him?  And fuck, he was a millionaire.  he could buy the best doctors and therapists.  Shit, he could buy friends.  I don’t have his money or fame.  I’m totally screwed.  If he couldn’t make it with all the available resources he had then I should give up now and save myself the aggravation.  My only saving grace is that I recognize this. I recognize my issue’s and patterns and why I do the things I do.  And even though it’s along shot, If I know what my problems are, then maybe, just maybe there is a solution.  Still haven’t found out what that is though.  Maybe kurt didn’t see what was hurting him.  Maybe he did but felt helpless to be able to do anything about it.  One things for sure, he lost hope.  And I barely hanging on by a thread.  The thing that really stuck with me is how this man, a living god, adored by millions, and couldn’t be happy.  He was so dead on the inside that he couldn’t feel the good in anything anymore.  Just pain and self-medicating to cope with his inner struggles.  When all you feel is pain, anything is a better alternative.  

Back to the duo outside.  They left their spot on the sidewalk.  I can help to feel a little guilty though.  I did have every intention on speaking with them.  I wanted to see if they were hungry and if they had a place to stay tonight.  I can hear my “friends” screaming in my head, don’t you fucking dare.  They are not your problem.  Stop potentially putting yourself in danger.  You cant help everyone.  We fear what we don’t know.  These guys could kill you.  Well guess what?  No one is here to offer that glib advice anymore.  Ya so they could be dangerous, So could anyone else in this place.  Lets not stigmatize the homeless as all thieves and criminals.  But I am not a moron.  In in a public place with 30 plus people around.  This is safer then meeting any new fling for a date for the first time on tinder.  But the fellows are gone.  i hope they realize that they are worth love and support, just like everyone else. 

I hate it when people tell me if you haven’t found what you are looking for, then keep looking.  What the fuck does that even mean?  Oh so im supposed to look for something when I don’t know what it looks like?  Its like this time I had to go over to my friends moms work because she needed help with her computer.  I get there as ask what the problem is.  She says that she cannot find her files she saved.  Ok,  what are the files you are looking for?  I don’t know. Ok what are the file names?  I don’t know,  what kind of files are they?  I don’t know cant you just find them?  What she didn’t comprehend like anyone else with this attitude is that you can spend your whole life looking for something but if you don’t know what that something is you are just going to waste your and my time.  The key is to find what you are looking for, not search aimlessly for something that might not exist.  People like myself included have a harder time finding out what that is.  Its that lost feeling that you cant do anything about that drains you.  Then you have these assholes tell you well your not looking hard enough.  Don’t listen to these people, they are a dumb.  You are not the only one out there that feels that way.  Trust me.  We know we want something more.  We want to get some a to b. (or c or d)  we just need some direction, not yelled at for not having a fucking map. 

Happy 420 part one

420 (April 20^th) is here but before everyone smokes a big fatty to celebrate, I wanted write about my thoughts about the legalization and decriminalization of marijuana in Canada.  

First and foremost, Smoking pot should not be a criminal offense and I am happy that Canada has started the liberalization process to make cannabis legal, however, I think there are many things that some have overlooked during this process,  Mainly the difference between recreational and medical use and the rules and regulations behind each. 

The regulation on access to cannabis for medical purposes was established in 2002, where medical Doctors could legally prescribe cannabis to their patients for certain conditions without the fear of prosecution.  Then in 2014 Marijuana for Medical Purposes Regulations authorized licensed production of medical cannabis and the prescriptions for pot skyrocketed and dispensaries started popping up everywhere, even though selling marijuana over the counter is still illegal, with or without a pot card. Yes, it is illegal to sell cannabis and related products over the counter to anyone.  Hence the all the raids you hear about in the news. Even some employees that worked at some of these dispensaries didn’t know it was illegal until they got arrested. The dispensaries are operating illegally in anticipation that the law will pass that they can legally sell their products. In the long run, the risk of fines and court costs are minimal compared to the potential of being one of the selected few that will be allowed to operate in any given city once the law has changed. So if it is illegal to sell pot over the counter to anyone, then why do I need to prescription to buy a product that it illegal anyway?   Truth is, you really don’t.  it’s up to the dispensary to determine who they sell to and most try to “weed” out random pot heads by requiring a prescription or pot license, to show they are trying to have some type of regulation in place.  They are pushing for decimalization but are further stigmatizing it by only selling it for medical purposes.  This is what I have a problem with.   I’ll get back to this in a minute.

Several years ago, I suffered a debilitating back injury. Many avenues were explored to help elevate the pain associated with it.   After years of physiotherapy, traction, exercise and medication I still live with the chronic pain.  Though surgery is  pending because I healed crocked, I still have one option before this last resort for relief.  Cannabis.  I had lengthy discussions with my doctors about it and for me the pros definitely outweigh the cons.   Ok Doc, sign me up.  It’s better then relaying on heavy pain killers I was afraid to take.  To “legally” buy pot for medical use in Canada, you must have a prescription from a medical doctor and/or obtain a license, order it from a licensed producer and get in sent through the mail.   Once I am registered at any of the regulated producers, I can go on their web site and order pretty much whatever I want.  some places and companies have different rules but this was my experience.  As someone that hasn’t  touched this stuff in several years I was overwhelmed and frustrated with this.  This is the first time I realized the benefits and need for dispensaries.  My first attempt at self medication involved me blindly ordering some cannabis oil I read in a short description on the company’s web site.   It came in the mail 4 days later with my pot card (license to tell the authorizes that I am allowed to have this stuff) a syringe and a chart on how to take it.  Basically It says to take a tiny amount  (0.2 ml) and build up from there until I can feel the effects of it.  I don’t know when to take it, how often to take it, what kind I should take. Nothing.  Just me and this stupid chart to figure it out.  The call center is useless because they have no way of knowing how I will react to it.  Almost a full bottle later and several weeks of figuring out my dose I’m at 20ml to notice any relief.  And at $90 a bottle, its was an expensive experiment.   If I continue I’m looking at about $200 a month, significantly more then the few dollars I paid for my pills at the pharmacy.  This is not looking good.  

I went out for a dinner one evening and while I was walking from my car to the restaurant, I noticed a dispensary.  I popped in after dinner.  I had to be buzzed in.  I meet with an employee, told him about my issues and my recent experiences and asked what I needed to do to buy their products.  I didn’t have my card with me but I just happened to be at my doctors that day and had a new prescription for my back with me.  That was enough and I was signed up on the spot.  It was nice that I could talk to an actual person about the different types of pot, strains, edibles, oils, and their benefits.  I told him that I wanted something for my back but I also suffered from an anxiety disorder for most of my life and I didn’t want to take something that was going to make that worse.  He told me that he suffered from the same thing, that he was on antidepressants for years, tried pot and he’s off all the evils pharmaceuticals for good.  This is where I walked out of store and brings me back to my first point.  

If people want to use cannabis for recreational use, they should be able to.  They should be able to walk into a dispensary without a card or prescription and pick out their pot like they are picking out flavours for a blizzard at dairy queen.  Its no different then someone walking into the LCBO or beer store.  What I have a big problem with is marketing Marijuana for Medical Purposes and how it is sold.  Before you get your panties in a bunch ask yourself this; would it be ok for someone to walk into the liquor store, go up to a random employee, tell them that they have back pain and ask the employee to recommend something that will help?  Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it but this is what is going on at some of these dispensaries.   But they have a prescription right?  Yes they do, but if I had a prescription for penicillin, I have to get it from a licensed pharmacist, that knows what other medications I am taking, the side effects, if it counteracts with other things I am taking, detailed instructions on how to take it, medical information and its dispensed by medical professional.   But its natural and none additive (unlike alcohol).  Just because something natural doesn’t mean its safe and just because something physically none habit forming doesn’t mean its not additive.  Opium is natural too.  People have died from water poisoning and addiction is a state of being enslaved to a habit that is psychologically or physically habit-forming which could mean anything can be addictive.   Its naïve to think that pot is completely harmless and its very dangerous for people at these dispensary’s to convey this message.  Someone with no medical background should not being giving out medical advice. Period.  There is a reason while medical doctors go through several years of school and sales staff do not.  They might be experts on the products they are selling but in no way does that qualify them to dole out medical advice.  The dispensaries are there to do one thing, sell their products.  If I went to shopper’s drug mart with prescription for antidepressants and a staff member recommended that I take vitamins instead, they’d be fired on the spot.   It makes sense why the government was looking at the idea of having pot dispensed at pharmacies.  This needs to be regulated better then it is. While that employee didn’t directly tell me I should go off all my meds and take pot instead, I also wasn’t warned of the possible repercussions if I did or possible side effects of their products and who would be responsible if i did have a bad reaction? what if i ate too much of the of brownies i bought and ended up falling on the sidewalk? i guess you really dont know how you are going to react to any medications natural or not but there are no warning labels on my brownies like they are on my pill bottles. and its the edibles that the government has a big problem with. 

 There is a connection between drug use and mental illness.  Studies have shown that while drug use (including and especially marijuana) doesn’t directly “cause” a mental illness, someone that has a predisposition to mental illness might get triggered by it and can make someone with a pre-existing condition worse.  That thought terrifies me, which is why I was so reluctant to try it in the first place.  i have only begone too dive into this subject.

To be continued........

Two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl

I don't think ppl understand the ll that we all go through thing differently.   I always hear "well I had anxiety, I got through it" or " we all get depressed,  get over it".  And it really pisses me off bc these ppl making theses statements have no idea what it's like to have empathy.  Some things roll off our backs and some things we cannot shake.  I get so pissed when ppl say oh what's the big deal,  get over it.  I think they are literally too emotionally moronic to understand that concept,  so let me break it down.   

Say you have 2 fish, in their own bowls with same amount of water.  Now image that every time something negative happens in your life,  you remove a spoonful of water.   Someone dies,  lose you job,  fight with a friend, money troubles, health problems etc.... Each spoonful can really add up and now this fish is left with a depleted bowl to live in, making things harder for him.   Now when someone says well I got over it just fine,  you should too it's like taking a spoonful of water from the full bowl.  It's just a spoonful,  you won't even notice.  But take that same spoonful from that bowl with barely any water in it.  That spoonful if going to have a bigger impact on that poor fish already struggling to survive then the fish in the bowl that's full.    but here the fish in the full bowl swimming around saying I'm fine,  you should be too.  Like wtf?  Can't that fish see that it doesn't have the same amount of fucking water?  No, bc 1) they are fish  and 2) mostly importantly they can't see beyond their own bowl.