Shitting pets and the shitty people who own them

I naïvely lived my short life thinking that I mattered in some way.  Fortunately, I'm a realist and can see through that bullshit.   I'm not going to sit and try to convince myself that I'm worth something when there are so many others proving to me wrong.  It's a struggle that I will never win and if I were even equipped to battle, I would have laid down my sword long ago. I'm left exhausted fighting for something that I knew I would never win and the more I tried, the harder it got till eventually I just gave up.  there is only so much shit a person can take before a person can admit defeat. I was already broken but I still stood up to fight. Blindly and without purpose. Over and over again like a moronic dog that keeps getting swat at for shitting on floor.  That stupid dog.  believing that  people still love him despite his flaws when in actuality the owner has put up posters all over the neighborhood hoping that someone would take the damn dog off their hands. they are just fed up dealing with the burden of shit.   There once was a feeling of Fulfillment and joy that came with the unconditional love that comes with a pet but that sadly turned into resentment and abandonment. This person can't or won't see the positive things that having this companion can bring into their mundane lives, focusing on the negative only and refuses to recognize that if they weren't such selfish and thoughtless assholes, they would see that if they just let it out more or gave it the slightest bit of thought, the dog wouldn't be shitting on the damn floor in the first place. Blaming the dog when it was the fault of the shitty owners, putting the blame on someone else because they're too stupid to realize they are being jerks and won't  admit that they are shitty people.  The dog gets pawned off to another asshole family that immediately labels the dog as damaged, lashing out in frustration instead of trying to understand why the dog has this problem in the first place.  Too lazy for the work involved.  To dumb to see their own faults. Blindness takes over, blame is placed solely on the dog,  it all his fault,  he's too much to deal with and it's off to the next family. And then another and another.  the poor dog still thinks that one day there will come a time where he will be loved but there is doubt for the first time and vows to try even harder to meet their expectations.  Trying so hard just to show everyone that He deserves a chance, wasting all his energy on the very people that will never see it.  selfishness is a parasite. It multiplies and takes over so you can't see what an asshole you've become.  even worse, you surround yourself with other assholes, thinking that this is the norm and this how people should behave.  Its safer being in a herd then to stray from the flock. Mindless sheep, prefer to follow the crowd off a fucking cliff then to stop and think that maybe plummeting  to their death is not such a good idea.  eventually that dog ends up alone in a shelter wondering why no one wants him.  And there he sits day in and day out thinking why doesn't anyone care.  He begins to believe what all the shitty owners believe, that he is damaged.  the once happy and cheerful pup is now filled with self doubt and sorrow. robbed of his happiness, no one wants a sad dog, justifying why he is there.   He is shit and everyone just proved it.  Weeks go by. Then months. Secretly he wishes that he'd be brought into that room with the gas as a means to end his suffering.  Anything is better then living with self hatred and doubt.  then something wonderful happens. a small child walks over to the dog pen and smiles with excitement.  That's the one, she squeals.  The cage handlers do their best to steer the family away from the dog with shit problem but that child doesn't want to hear it.  She just knows that this one is special.  The parents are reluctant but want to make there child happy so and are willing to sacrifice their time and over look the flaws of a helpless orphan. The parasite did not seem to get a hold of this family and what they discovered is how very special this dog really is.  So much love coming from such a damaged soul when all he ever wanted was to give it's heart to others.  to think that they could have just mindlessly skipped over that kennel and could have missed out on such a wonderful pet. That dog  just needed to be given a chance to prove that he is not all bad.  so the choice is yours. which one do you want to be? We are not born assholes, it is something that is learned and it can be unlearned by having Compassion, love and empathy.  This world can make us hard but Don't let it turn you into an asshole.  There are too many others out there already, we don't need anymore

You'll shoot your eye out

For the better part of my life, I have been dealing with some sort of mental illness and have been very candid about it.  I've done dozens of speeches in front of hundreds of people.  From big auditoriums to living room couches.  From being a panel speaker for UNICEF to front-line workers, police and clinicians to children at day camp. But the message has always been the same.  If you are struggling, reach out, tell someone and seek help.  Most of this I still find to be true except for one thing. 

After suffering from a severe anxiety disorder from high school and all through my twenties, I developed a unique way of explaining what it's like to live with my idiosyncrasies.  It was through this communication that I was able to keep lasting and meaningful relationships.  It's like hey, I’m a little bit crazy, I do some weird things, and my behaviour is kind of bizarre sometimes.  Don't worry, it's just the anxiety.   Oh Marisa and her wacky coping strategies.  To me, I'd  rather explain my behaviour then have People draw their own conclusions. That's probably why over the years I have had some many others be so comfortable sharing their personal struggles with me.   I think that's great because I wish I had someone I could relate to when I was struggling.  This is why I feel peer support is so important and why I do what I do. 

Many years later and boy was it a fight, I could comfortably say I was in remission so to speak with my illness.  But will all mental illness, it never really goes away and it came back but this time it surfaced as something different.   This was no longer the familiarity of my past relapses.  In fact, it was so offside that I didn't even know I was sick till it got really, really bad. Welcome to the world of depression.   So, I just climbed the biggest mountain in my life and now you are going to throw this shit at me?  Fine.  I climbed that mountain, I can beat this too.  But this time it was different and I don't mean the diagnosis, let me explain. 

When I had the Panic disorder, most of my friends and family were aware of my issues.  They even would kind of poke fun at my actions.   I didn't care. At least I had People to talk to.  It was accepted.  That's was illness.  This time around though, it was very different.  Instead of saying to my friends I have to wait till 11:00 to eat, I can't wear the bad shirt or have to wash my hands over and over again after I touch things I was talking about how bleak my life is and how I think everyone would be better off without me.   This did not go over well.  Slowing, people started to pull away.  The things I was so open about before (my thoughts and feelings) that was accepted was now taboo.  The more people pulled away, the more depressed I got.  The more depressed I got the more I reached out for someone to talk to.  The more I talked the more uncomfortable people became and in turn they retreated. Being abandoned is already very sad and a powerful emotion to deal with, now add that to the depression and it’s absolutely devastating.  One by one,  all the supports I had throughout my recovery with the anxiety were gone.  I was to blame for being a Debbie Downer. I was now a burden.  I was making people uncomfortable.  Angry. Resentful.  No one wanted to hang out with me if I was going to act like that (like I had a choice).  Well if you don't want my help or won't listen to me then you're on your own. The more hurt I got the more I lashed out.  Why isn't anyone listening? I can't understand why no one can see how much pain I'm in? I tried tirelessly to explain my actions, like I did in the past as to why I was acting the way I was but I couldn't get through to anyone.  No one would listen.  And they still won't hear.     The Pandora's box was opened and it tainted me.  I'm painted with the scarlet letter So now I'm left to fight this battle alone.  

We tell people to be open,   to break the stigma behind mental illness, to reach out. Connect. Talk.  And I still believe in this because everyone now and then needs some direction when someone is lost.  Now I’m finding out the hard way that when I ask for directions, I’m getting chastised for not having a map.    This is the thought that literally woke me up in the middle of the night is that what if this happens to  someone else?  Are we setting people up that are already in dire need for love and support to fail?  To push them further away from these supports through no fault of their owe? And that terrifies me.   Yes, I believe we should be able to talk openly and freely about everything,  including metal illness without fear or judgment, ridicule or abandonment  but I don't think we as a society are equipped to deal with this heavy subject matter.  We are just not there yet. 

Being rejected over and over again has made me realize that even though I want them to be, that I need them to be,  the people I love the most are not capable to help me in the way that I so desperately need.  And it's soul crushing. Why can't they give me the things I would give to them? I still don't understand how someone could walk away from anyone that is in that kind of pain, let alone someone they claim they care for.  But It's not their fault. They just don't know how to.  They might not even know how much their behaviour is harmful and it's making it worse. Forgive them.  It's not your fault either.  Remember that.  It's never your fault for the way people treat you.   You do deserve love, support and understanding, just like everyone else.    It's a hard realization that you are on your own and that's a pretty tall order to tell someone who is very ill when they need all the love and support then can get.  Now I wonder, if I didn't say anything.  If I kept all my icky thoughts to myself, and bottled it up inside,  would those people who left still be here today?  Would I be?  

There are natural helpers out there.  They may be hard to find but I prey that if you do reach out and your hand get slapped away,  that you try again and again and again.  Someone,  somewhere will grab on and won't let you go.  until then,  keep trying.   You deserve the very best even if the people around you make you feel like you're not worth it.   you are.