For the better part of my life, I have been dealing with
some sort of mental illness and have been very candid about it. I've done dozens of speeches in front of
hundreds of people. From big auditoriums
to living room couches. From being a
panel speaker for UNICEF to front-line workers, police and clinicians to children
at day camp. But the message has always been the same. If you are struggling, reach out, tell
someone and seek help. Most of this I
still find to be true except for one thing.
After suffering from a severe anxiety disorder from high
school and all through my twenties, I developed a unique way of explaining what
it's like to live with my idiosyncrasies.
It was through this communication that I was able to keep lasting and
meaningful relationships. It's like hey,
I’m a little bit crazy, I do some weird things, and my behaviour is kind of bizarre
sometimes. Don't worry, it's just the
anxiety. Oh Marisa and her wacky coping
strategies. To me, I'd rather explain my behaviour then have People
draw their own conclusions. That's probably why over the years I have had some
many others be so comfortable sharing their personal struggles with me. I think that's great because I wish I had
someone I could relate to when I was struggling. This is why I feel peer support is so
important and why I do what I do.
Many years later and boy was it a fight, I could comfortably
say I was in remission so to speak with my illness. But will all mental illness, it never really
goes away and it came back but this time it surfaced as something
different. This was no longer the
familiarity of my past relapses. In
fact, it was so offside that I didn't even know I was sick till it got really, really
bad. Welcome to the world of depression.
So, I just climbed the biggest mountain in my life and now you are going
to throw this shit at me? Fine. I climbed that mountain, I can beat this
too. But this time it was different and
I don't mean the diagnosis, let me explain.
When I had the Panic disorder, most of my friends and family
were aware of my issues. They even would
kind of poke fun at my actions. I
didn't care. At least I had People to talk to.
It was accepted. That's was
illness. This time around though, it was
very different. Instead of saying to my
friends I have to wait till 11:00 to eat, I can't wear the bad shirt or have to
wash my hands over and over again after I touch things I was talking about how
bleak my life is and how I think everyone would be better off without me. This did not go over well. Slowing, people started to pull away. The things I was so open about before (my
thoughts and feelings) that was accepted was now taboo. The more people pulled away, the more
depressed I got. The more depressed I
got the more I reached out for someone to talk to. The more I talked the more uncomfortable
people became and in turn they retreated. Being abandoned is already very sad
and a powerful emotion to deal with, now add that to the depression and it’s
absolutely devastating. One by one, all the supports I had throughout my recovery
with the anxiety were gone. I was to
blame for being a Debbie Downer. I was now a burden. I was making people uncomfortable. Angry. Resentful. No one wanted to hang out with me if I was
going to act like that (like I had a choice). Well if you don't want my help or won't listen
to me then you're on your own. The more hurt I got the more I lashed out. Why isn't anyone listening? I can't
understand why no one can see how much pain I'm in? I tried tirelessly to
explain my actions, like I did in the past as to why I was acting the way I was
but I couldn't get through to anyone. No
one would listen. And they still won't
hear. The Pandora's box was opened and it tainted
me. I'm painted with the scarlet letter
So now I'm left to fight this battle alone.
We tell people to be open,
to break the stigma behind mental
illness, to reach out. Connect. Talk.
And I still believe in this because everyone now and then needs some
direction when someone is lost. Now I’m finding
out the hard way that when I ask for directions, I’m getting chastised for not
having a map. This is the thought that literally woke me up
in the middle of the night is that what if this happens to someone else?
Are we setting people up that are already in dire need for love and
support to fail? To push them further
away from these supports through no fault of their owe? And that terrifies
me. Yes, I believe we should be able to
talk openly and freely about everything,
including metal illness without fear or judgment, ridicule or abandonment
but I don't think we as a society are equipped
to deal with this heavy subject matter. We
are just not there yet.
Being rejected over and over again has made me realize that
even though I want them to be, that I need them to be, the people I love the most are not capable to
help me in the way that I so desperately need.
And it's soul crushing. Why can't they give me the things I would give
to them? I still don't understand how someone could walk away from anyone that
is in that kind of pain, let alone someone they claim they care for. But It's not their fault. They just don't
know how to. They might not even know
how much their behaviour is harmful and it's making it worse. Forgive
them. It's not your fault either. Remember that. It's never your fault for the way people
treat you. You do deserve love, support
and understanding, just like everyone else.
It's a hard realization that you are on your own and that's a pretty
tall order to tell someone who is very ill when they need all the love and
support then can get. Now I wonder, if I
didn't say anything. If I kept all my
icky thoughts to myself, and bottled it up inside, would those people who left still be here
today? Would I be?
There are natural helpers out there. They may be hard to find but I prey that if you do reach out and your hand get slapped away, that you try again and again and again. Someone, somewhere will grab on and won't let you go. until then, keep trying. You deserve the very best even if the people around you make you feel like you're not worth it. you are.
