Less talk, more LISTEN

 So its Bell "let's talk" day in a few days.  and this year more then any other year is really pissing me off. 

We tell people to be open, break the stigma behind mental illness, reach out, connect to someone. Talk.  We tell people that if you talk about your issues, you can get help.  You don’t have to suffer alone. But the thought that literally woke me up in the middle of the night is that what if someone gets enough courage to reach out to someone and not received the understanding that we hoped for?  Or worse, get rejected, judged, or abandoned?  Are we setting people up that are already in dire need for love and support to fail?  To push them further away from these supports through no fault of their own? And that terrifies me.   Yes, I believe we should be able to talk openly and freely about everything,  including metal illness without fear  but I don't think we as a society as a whole are not equipped to deal with this heavy subject matter.     We are just not there yet.  And it sucks.  In a prefect world everyone should be able to talk about openly about their problems without being judged but this is not reality and once you are painted with the crazy brush, it makes it difficult for anyone else to see anything but the illness.  

After suffering from Panic disorder from high school and all through my twenties, I developed a unique way of explaining what it's like to live with my idiosyncrasies.  It was through this communication that I was able to keep lasting and meaningful relationships.  It's like hey, I'm a little bit crazy and my behaviour is kind of bizarre sometimes,  don't worry it's just the anxiety.  To me, I'd  rather explain my behaviour then have ppl draw their own conclusions. It's probably why over the years I have had some many ppl be comfortable sharing their personal struggles with me.  And I think that's great bc I wish I had someone I could relate to when I was struggling.  This is why I feel peer support is so important and why I do what I do.  

Many years later,  and boy was it a fight,  I could comfortably say I was in remission with my illness.    But sometimes with mental illness,  it never really goes away and it came back but this time it surfaced as something different.   No longer the familiarity of my past relapses.  In fact, it was so offside that I didn't even know I was sick till it got really,  really bad.  Welcome to the world of depression.    So, I just climbed the biggest mountain in my life and now you are going to throw this shit at me?  Fine.  I climbed that, I can beat this too.  But this time it was different and I don't mean the diagnosis, let me explain.  

When I had the PD, most of my friends and family were aware of my issues.  They even would kind of poke fun at my actions.   I didn't care, at least I had someone to talk to.  It was accepted, that's my illness.  This time around though, it was very different.  Instead of saying to my friends I have to wait till 11:00 to eat, I can't wear the bad shirt or wash my hands over and over again  I was talking about how bleak my life is and how I think everyone would be better off without me.   This did not go over well.  Slowly, one by one, ppl started to pull away.  The things I was so open about before (my thoughts and feelings) that was accepted was now taboo.  People are quick to come over to sign your cast if you have a broken arm but turn away when your head is broken.  People pulled away and the more depressed I got.  The more depressed I got the more I reached out for someone to talk to.  The more I talked about icky things, the more uncomfortable people became and in turn they retreated. Being abandoned is already very sad and a powerful emotion to deal with, now add that to the depression and its absolutely devastating.  

One by one, all the supports I had throughout my recovery with the anxiety were gone.  I was to blame for being a Debbie downer. I was now now a burden.  I was making people uncomfortable. Angry. Resentful.  No one wanted to hang out with me if I was going to act like that (like I had a choice) Well if you don't want my help or won't listen to me then you're on your own. The more hurt I got the more I lashed out.  Why isn't anyone listening? I can't understand why no one can see how much I am  struggling and why they want to beat me up further.  I mean for fuck sake, if I had lost a loved one and I was sad, would you tell me to get over it? If I had cancer and the chemo made me sick and cranky would you leave me to deal with it on my own because I was being a bitch? Of course not because there is an explanation to my behaviour but its completely overlooked with mental illness.  I tried tirelessly to explain my actions, like I did in the past as to why I was acting the way I was but I couldn't get through to anyone.  No one would listen.  And they still won't hear.   Why is this so different?  The Pandora's box was opened and it tainted me.  So now I'm left to fight this battle alone.   

Sometimes the people we love the most are not capable to help us in the way that we desperately need.  And it's soul crushing. Why can't they give me the things I would give to them? I still don't understand how someone could walk away from anyone that is in that kind of pain, let alone someone they care for.  Its like you are drowning in the water, begging for help and everyone is standing on the shore telling you to swim.  Or even worse, turn and walk away.  But It's not their fault. They just don't know how to.  They might not even know how much their behaviour is harmful and it's making it worse. Forgive them.  It's not your fault either.  Remember that.  It's never your fault for the way people treat you.   You do deserve love, support and understanding, just like everyone else.    It's a hard realization that you are on your own and that's a pretty tall order to tell someone who is very ill when they need all the love and support then can get.  Now I wonder, if I didn't say anything.  If I kept all my icky thoughts to myself, and bottled it up inside, would those ppl who left still be here today?  Would I be?   

There are natural helpers out there.  They may be hard to find but I pray that if you do reach out and your hand get slapped away, that you try again and again and again.  Someone, somewhere will grab on and won't let you go.  until then,  keep trying.   You deserve the very best even if the people around you make you feel like you're not worth it.   you are. 

Who's got my water wings?

One meme says depression is like drowning except you can see everyone around you breathing.  Kind of true but what it really is that you are drowning and you reach out for someone to grab on to but they pull their arm away.  Can they not see that I am drowning?  Do they care?  I use to think that they don’t.  how can you sit by and watch someone literally drown before your eyes?  And I thought about this in so many different ways.  Well Some people are just assholes.  That is just a fact of life.  We all have some assholes in our life.  Some people get fed up watching someone try to swim and not get anywhere.  Some people panic that they themselves might fail at the rescue that makes them feel inadequate, you make them feel shitty about themselves and they project that on to you.  Blame the person that invokes their short comings.  Some people feel resentment that they tried to throw you a rope but missed and you are still struggling to stay afloat.  you didn’t try hard enough. Some people get angry that you are even in the water in the first place.  Some people feel so guilty that they are the one that pushed you in.  that once again, you made them feel shitty and how dare you make them feel that shitty.  But what people don’t need is someone throwing rocks are someone who is drowning.  This “tough love” approach doesn’t work.  If anyone tells you that they are doing something for you own good, leave.  Doesn’t matter if it’s a spouse, family member, friend, coworker, dr or even a shrink,  its irresponsible, dangerous and cruel.  To inflect more suffering onto someone already that low is probably the worse thing you could do.  Would you tell someone with cancer nah, im not going to help you through chemo, you’ll thank me later?  Hell no.  that would be totally unacceptable.  But yet I have meet so many people with this attitude when it comes to an illness of the brain,  which like all mental illnesses, depression is.  Its very frustrating that you are already trying to stay above the water and someone comes by and sits from the shore watching you struggle and worse, chastises youor even worse, turns their back on you.   Yet they still in their minds think that they are your saving grace and doing you a solid.  And if you have enough self esteem left to say to this person you are not helping and are making it worse, well, you just shot yourself in the foot.  How dare you tell them that they are wrong.  They were trying to help you and you just bit the hand that fed you, You evil monster.  These people will make you feel even worse about yourself and make you feel bad for having struggles.  I know its hard and you need all the supports you can get but if they cant see the error of their ways,  they are not mentally healthy themselves.  You won’t get what you so desperately need from them. You need compassion.  And what do you do when you can’t find that compassion from anyone? The sad things there are so many of us that don’t have these people in our lives.  I’m told that you have to find it within yourself.  That a pretty tall order when you’re flailing around in the water.  Some have drowned waiting for something that didn’t come. How do you teach yourself to swim if you don’t know how to swim? Some might be able to figure it out on their own,  some might seems to be doing ok but are very tired and not out of the rough yet and some have tried so hard that they have nothing left.  And that is the real tragedy.  If you really want to help someone you care about, show them how much they matter. Lead by example.  Maybe the world wouldn’t seem so bleak if anyone could just show a tiny bit of empathy.   You don’t need to jump in the water to save them, but you can toss them a lifejacket or a rope or when they are back on shore, help them out of the water and congratulate them for persevering. Maybe teach them how to swim in case this happens again so they can save themselves.   but whatever you do, don’t assume that since you know how to swim, they will figure it out too or you will watch them slip under and Turning your back on them is not going to make them try harder or drown less.  But above everything else, make sure you don’t have your foot on their head.