So its Bell "let's talk" day in a few days. and this year more then any other year is really pissing me off.
We tell people to be open, break the stigma behind mental
illness, reach out, connect to someone. Talk.
We tell people that if you talk about your issues, you can get
help. You don’t have to suffer alone.
But the thought that literally woke me up in the middle of the night is that
what if someone gets enough courage to reach out to someone and not received
the understanding that we hoped for? Or
worse, get rejected, judged, or abandoned?
Are we setting people up that are already in dire need for love and
support to fail? To push them further
away from these supports through no fault of their own? And that terrifies
me. Yes, I believe we should be able to
talk openly and freely about everything,
including metal illness without fear but I don't think we as a society as a whole
are not equipped to deal with this heavy subject matter. We are just not there yet. And it sucks.
In a prefect world everyone should be able to talk about openly about
their problems without being judged but this is not reality and once you are
painted with the crazy brush, it makes it difficult for anyone else to see anything
but the illness.
After suffering from Panic disorder from high
school and all through my twenties, I developed a unique way of explaining what
it's like to live with my idiosyncrasies.
It was through this communication that I was able to keep lasting and
meaningful relationships. It's like hey,
I'm a little bit crazy and my behaviour is kind of bizarre sometimes, don't worry it's just the anxiety. To me, I'd
rather explain my behaviour then have ppl draw their own conclusions.
It's probably why over the years I have had some many ppl be comfortable
sharing their personal struggles with me.
And I think that's great bc I wish I had someone I could relate to when
I was struggling. This is why I feel
peer support is so important and why I do what I do.
Many years later, and
boy was it a fight, I could comfortably
say I was in remission with my illness.
But sometimes with mental illness,
it never really goes away and it came back but this time it surfaced as
something different. No longer the familiarity
of my past relapses. In fact, it was so
offside that I didn't even know I was sick till it got really, really bad.
Welcome to the world of depression.
So, I just climbed the biggest mountain in my life and now you are going
to throw this shit at me? Fine. I climbed that, I can beat this too. But this time it was different and I don't
mean the diagnosis, let me explain.
When I had the PD, most of my friends and family were aware
of my issues. They even would kind of
poke fun at my actions. I didn't care, at
least I had someone to talk to. It was
accepted, that's my illness. This time
around though, it was very different.
Instead of saying to my friends I have to wait till 11:00 to eat, I
can't wear the bad shirt or wash my hands over and over again I was talking about how bleak my life is and
how I think everyone would be better off without me. This did not go over well. Slowly, one by one, ppl started to pull
away. The things I was so open about
before (my thoughts and feelings) that was accepted was now taboo. People are quick to come over to sign your cast
if you have a broken arm but turn away when your head is broken. People pulled away and the more depressed I
got. The more depressed I got the more I
reached out for someone to talk to. The
more I talked about icky things, the more uncomfortable people became and in
turn they retreated. Being abandoned is already very sad and a powerful emotion
to deal with, now add that to the depression and its absolutely
devastating.
One by one, all the supports I had throughout my recovery
with the anxiety were gone. I was to
blame for being a Debbie downer. I was now now a burden. I was making people uncomfortable. Angry.
Resentful. No one wanted to hang out
with me if I was going to act like that (like I had a choice) Well if you don't
want my help or won't listen to me then you're on your own. The more hurt I got
the more I lashed out. Why isn't anyone
listening? I can't understand why no one can see how much I am struggling and why they want to beat me up
further. I mean for fuck sake, if I had
lost a loved one and I was sad, would you tell me to get over it? If I had
cancer and the chemo made me sick and cranky would you leave me to deal with it
on my own because I was being a bitch? Of course not because there is an explanation
to my behaviour but its completely overlooked with mental illness. I tried tirelessly to explain my actions, like
I did in the past as to why I was acting the way I was but I couldn't get
through to anyone. No one would
listen. And they still won't hear. Why is this so different? The Pandora's box was opened and it tainted
me. So now I'm left to fight this battle
alone.
Sometimes the people we love the most are not capable to
help us in the way that we desperately need.
And it's soul crushing. Why can't they give me the things I would give
to them? I still don't understand how someone could walk away from anyone that
is in that kind of pain, let alone someone they care for. Its like you are drowning in the water,
begging for help and everyone is standing on the shore telling you to
swim. Or even worse, turn and walk
away. But It's not their fault. They
just don't know how to. They might not
even know how much their behaviour is harmful and it's making it worse. Forgive
them. It's not your fault either. Remember that. It's never your fault for the way people
treat you. You do deserve love, support
and understanding, just like everyone else.
It's a hard realization that you are on your own and that's a pretty
tall order to tell someone who is very ill when they need all the love and
support then can get. Now I wonder, if I
didn't say anything. If I kept all my
icky thoughts to myself, and bottled it up inside, would those ppl who left
still be here today? Would I be?
There are natural helpers out there. They may be hard to find but I pray that if
you do reach out and your hand get slapped away, that you try again and again
and again. Someone, somewhere will grab
on and won't let you go. until
then, keep trying. You deserve the very best even if the people
around you make you feel like you're not worth it. you are.
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