Cause I fell on black days

Another rock legend gone.  Chris Cornell, vocalist of one of the big 3 Seattle grunge bands Soundgarden died last night after a show in Detroit.  He was only 52. I have always had this morbid curiosity as to why/how people die, especially at a young age.  Old age, cancer, heart disease,  these all makes sense but a spry man in his early 50’s with no health concerns and is currently touring?  Something doesn’t make sense.  Then the ball drops.  There is speculation that the lead singer hanged himself in his hotel room after his performance Wednesday night.  May is mental health awareness month; last week was mental health week.  The timing of this tragic event couldn’t have been more prolific.

I was never a huge Soundgarden fan. I first heard them when I was still a kid with the release of Badtmotorfinger in 1991.  I still remember the first time I saw the Jesus Christ pose video and how it scared the shit out of me.  I was playing with Lego or something and left it on Much Music and this video came on.  I looked up when I heard those guitar riffs that sounded like alarm sirens and saw these flashing images of crosses and terminator skulls and it seriously freaked me out! But I couldn’t stop watching it.  Back in the day you were either team Pearl jam, team Nirvana or team Soundgarden and though I did own that cassette tape, I was playing for another team.  Soundgarden was the “skid” group, the more metal sounding grunge band.  They were the least popular of the 3 and being a stupid kid one would think I would naturally choose the least popular one just to be different but my heart belonged to another.  That album was on heavy rotation along with the others but when my little brother’s friend showed up to my house in a soundgarden shirt one day, I rolled my disapproving big sister eyes and retired the tape.  (Quick side note, that friend is still a huge Soundgarden fan and he was the person that broke the news to me that Kurt Cobain died. I’ll always remember that). A few years later when I was coming of age, the ridiculously massive Superunknown came out.  It didn’t sound like Soundgarden. It lost its heavy, metal vibe, was over produced, and became too commercial and I was done.  I can understand why there might have had some creative differences between Chris and the rest of the band.  One mediocre album later and they disbanded.  And then there was Audioslave and his solo stuff but this is not supposed to be a reflection of his life’s work, it’s a reflection of his life and what transpired the moments before his death so let’s get back to the hard and heavy.

We have lost quite a few music icons over the last year.  I literally cried when David Bowie died. It was sudden but he did suffer from cancer and was 70 years old. Fucking Prince?  Fentanyl overdose?  it was  “accidental” and then there was George Michael.  No one saw that coming and of course there were rumors flying around about his death but it finally came back that he died of natural causes.  What is natural about a 51 year old man dying alone in bed on Christmas, I don’t know.   What is so tragic about someone that dies by suicide is that some of those answers as to why are never answered.  It leaves an empty hole in your heart that will never be filled.  I think that the hardest thing for people to grasp is why. Why would a person that on the surface seems to have everything could fathom to do something like this.  The truth is no one really knows what goes on inside someone’s head.  Some people are good at hiding it. High functioning depression is hard to distinguish because it doesn’t have the same general signs and symptoms of what depression is supposed to look like.  It’s hard to diagnose because some people don’t even know they are even sick or, even worse, your loved ones don’t believe you are ill. One day you seem ok. You are productive at work, social and appear to be “happy” and the next day you can’t get out of bed. This can get confusing for others and they can see it as cry for attention rather than a legitimate warning sign that something is wrong.  It is easy to understand why some people might not disclose this information to anyone.  Some (myself included) have tried tirelessly to talk about it and have been met with less than ideal understanding.  Some reach out and get their hand bitten. Some reach out and get ignored.  Some reach out and get chastised for crying wolf.  Eventually you learn not to reach out anymore, that its better suffering alone and that is the true tragedy.  Is this what he was feeling on the night he chose to end his life? What was going on in Chris’s head that made him feel like if he had to hide his struggles instead of reaching out for help?   I don’t think anyone will ever really know.  

I can hear it already: but he had everything, loyal fans, a wife, kids, friends and family, a career that spanned decades, talent, money, fame, fortune, why did he do this?   The sad thing about depression is that you feel so dead inside you can’t feel anything else.  All this stuff didn’t matter.  None of it did.   Chris had his own demons and has battled depression and drug use for years.  No one wakes up and chooses to be an addict. There were/are reasons why he was self- medicating. Like many illnesses there is always the possibility of relapse.  Maybe this is what was going on and since he didn’t have his usual coping strategies to rely on, he felt like he didn’t have anything else. That guilt must have been heavy.  That he couldn’t just beat this illness and couldn’t stand the look of disappointment on his family’ faces.  That is now a burden.   I can’t even begin to imagine the amount of pressure he was under.   You are clean and sober now and you have a family to take care of. Everyone is watching. Don’t fuck up.

The family made a statement about Chris’s death that speculates his actions were effected by his prescription of Ativan (a benzodiazepine used for its sedative effect) and that on that night he might have taken too much.  I always found it bizarre that the treatment for suicidal thoughts is pills that have the potential to cause suicidal thoughts.  It never made sense to me until I asked a doctor friend why.  He said that when you are depressed, your mood and motivation is low.  When you take an antidepressant, your energy levels return faster than your mood so now that motivation is coming from a dark mood which can cause people to do things that they normally would not do so that  is why it is important to be monitored until things have leveled out.   While this might have been a factor in his death, it’s hard to ignore the life long battle with mental illness and substance abuse as the primary cause.   It also further stigmatizes that pharmaceuticals are “evil” and should be avoided at all costs.  I don’t believe in prescribing medication haphazardly as a cure all but I also believe medication is highly effective when necessary.  I know for myself that I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for these same “benzos” that Chris was taking.   They literally saved my life and I’d hate to see anyone suffer needlessly because they read an article on the internet that all medication is bad. While I understand the family is mourning the loss of their beloved husband and father and are trying to make sense of this tragedy, I think that they might be in denial about how ill Chris really was.   There's that guilt again.  

There is no suffering greater than what drives people to suicide. It’s the moment when mental anguish exceeds the capacity to bear it.  You reach a point where you feel like there are no other options.  How do you convince yourself to live when all you want to do is die?  I can’t stand it when people tell you to find strength within yourself.  Obviously they can’t or they wouldn’t need help in the first place but yet I see so often people get chastised for having struggles. Blame the victim rather then the circumstances  No wonder people keep things inside.   Suicide is 100 percent preventable.  No one wants to die, they just want the pain to end.  It is the complete abandonment of all hope.   You can’t tell someone to keep trying to look for it because its not there.  Its gone.  Its noting coming back.   They need to be shown that they are worth a damn, even if they screw up.   Usually it’s not the initiating trauma that causes the pain but the lack of support after. This is where we can make a difference. Unconditional love, understanding and support is the key to giving someone the tinniest amount of light that they need to get themselves out of the dark when they fall "on black days”

Another rock legend laid to rest and unfortunately has become another rock cliche. RIP Chris.  I don’t think anyone knew how hard you fought to be here but I hope you have found your peace. Though I was never a huge fan, I respect your body of work and your immense contribution to music over the last 30 plus years.  I know there is talk about how he knew that this was going to be his last performance because he closed the show with a snippet of 'In My Time of Dying” but he actually did this throughout the tour. You only have to read his omniscient lyrics to know that he has been telling us his struggles for years.  When we are happy we enjoy the music, and when we are sad we understand lyrics and his music was so identifiable to millions of fans that could feel his pain.  

To anyone reading this that has had to endure the anguish of your own brain telling you that you are not worth it and fought tooth and nail to make it through the day, week, month, year, you deserve a big applause, a pat on the back and a hug. I’m truly at awe with you.  I think it was Juliette Lewis that said “the bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die’ and I couldn’t agree more.  It’s easier to give up, trust me, I have thought about it over and over again. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. To just say fuck it and put a final end to all this misery.  Its takes true courage to fight a battle with no army with the odds stacked against you and it takes real strength to get up when you have nothing left to stand for, especially when you’ve been knocked down over and over again. If you ever had to deal with those thoughts and made it through day in and you are still here day out, you are the real rock star. 

Whatsoever I've feared has come to life

Whatsoever I've fought off became my life

Just when everyday seemed to greet me with a smile

Sunspots have faded and now I'm doing time

Now I'm doing time

'Cause I fell on black days

I fell on black days

Whomsoever I've cured, I've sickened now

And whomsoever I've cradled, I've put you down

I'm a search light soul they say

But I can't see it in the night

I'm only faking when I get it right

When I get it right

'Cause I fell on black days

I fell on black days

How would I know

That this could be my fate?

How would I know

That this could be my fate? Yeah

Uh, uh, uh

Uh, uh, uh

Uh, uh, uh

So what you wanted to see good

Has made you blind

And what you wanted to be yours

Has made it mine

Don't you lock up something

That you wanted to see fly

Hands are for shaking

No, not tying, no, not tying

I sure don't mind a change

I sure don't mind a change

Yeah, I sure don't mind, sure don't mind a change

I sure don't mind a change

'Cause I fell on black days

I fell on black days

How would I know

That this could be my fate?

How would I know

That this could be my fate?

How would I know

That this could be my fate?

How would I know

That this could be my fate?

I sure don't mind a change

I'll have a Big Mac with a side of ignoance

So Im sitting here again at a 24 hour McDonalds.  Quite busy considering its 10 pm on a Tuesday night.  I am stilling waiting for my order of a deluxe hot coco and im scanning the room to find a good place to set up for the next little while.  They closed the upstairs so the ground floor is the only option.  As I look for a table that doesn’t have reminisce of left over food particles from the previous diner I find a small table right by the window.   I put my stuff down briefly and walk over to get my order.  I come back and sitting on the opposite side of the window is a young, disheveled and looks to be homeless man.  I don’t mean to generalize or judge a person by their appearances but the lack of shoes and dollar store shopping bag he is using a cushion is kind of a give away.  I had every intention on getting some work done but this has side tracked me.   He has a few facial tattoos, and seems to be shaking and trembling while conversing with himself.  He also seems to be looking for something he dropped.  He has been doing this for 10 minutes now.  I don’t think he is going to find what ever he lost.    My first instinct is that he is either on some sort of drugs (recreational or other) or he is coming off of them.  I see people walk by him and they don’t give him a second thought. Stare straight ahead as they scramble by to get their big macs.   It makes me so sad that people are quick to judge and are so ignorant.  There is a reason why that fellow is like the way he is.  Even if the drug use is what this key issue is, why does his life matter less then then the other people walking in here?  even if you are so ignorant that you believe that people that do drugs did it to themselves,  it doesn’t change the fact there are reasons why people end up like this.   No I never did drugs, I never really drank all that much I still don’t but it doesn’t mean I don’t know why people choose to self medicate.  Then when you find the one thing that helps, even if it’s a tiny bite,  everyone tells you well you cant have that anymore. Worse, you become physically dependent.    So what are your options?  The side effects of what drug of choice you choose to do or absolute misery.  And you still wonder why people end up like this?  Regardless, there is always a cause.  Always.  Instead we victim blame and judge instead of offering compassion and support.  “oh, they just don’t want to help themselves”.  New flash, they don’t know how to.  

  People don’t choose to be drug addicts.  It’s a by product of circumstance.  I wonder if anyone saw the warning signs of this young fellow?  I wonder if anyone cared?  I wondered if his supports got fed up with him failing to be clean and they washed their hand with him?   Kind of like what happened to me.  I’m not nearly as destitute at this guy but I can still feel the same kind of rejection.  If I didn’t self loath and hurt myself in other ways,  would i be that all different then him.  I guess the point I am trying to make is that everyone deals with things differently.  Your struggles are real.  They are not more or less important then anyone elses and if anyone tells you that they are , they are dead wrong.  What do you have to be so depressed about?  People have it worse then you, you should be counting you blessing not bitching about them.  And people say in negative? Wonder why when this is the stuff I have to deal with. Well it seems that the young gentlemen has a friend, equally as disheveled.  Haha, I can feel myself smirking because these derelicts have more friends then I do.  It reminds me of the book heaver then heaven, the unofficial biography of kurt cobain. One of very few books I actually read.  The few days before he died, he left rehab and instead of going back to his family and friends he chose to hang out with other drug users.  Why?  Because they saw him as just another use.  Just another person.  Not the biggest rock star on the planet.  They understood his pain.  Its too bad that the people who were the most empathizing were also too far gone to help.  Everyone isn’t your friend.  Just because they hang out with you and do stuff with doesn’t mean they are you true friends.  Maybe that’s what kurt always wanted.  Someone that could really, wholeheartedly love him in the way he so desperately needed.  Sadly, he could find that.  And I remember reading the book and crying thinking am I doomed to end up like him?  And fuck, he was a millionaire.  he could buy the best doctors and therapists.  Shit, he could buy friends.  I don’t have his money or fame.  I’m totally screwed.  If he couldn’t make it with all the available resources he had then I should give up now and save myself the aggravation.  My only saving grace is that I recognize this. I recognize my issue’s and patterns and why I do the things I do.  And even though it’s along shot, If I know what my problems are, then maybe, just maybe there is a solution.  Still haven’t found out what that is though.  Maybe kurt didn’t see what was hurting him.  Maybe he did but felt helpless to be able to do anything about it.  One things for sure, he lost hope.  And I barely hanging on by a thread.  The thing that really stuck with me is how this man, a living god, adored by millions, and couldn’t be happy.  He was so dead on the inside that he couldn’t feel the good in anything anymore.  Just pain and self-medicating to cope with his inner struggles.  When all you feel is pain, anything is a better alternative.  

Back to the duo outside.  They left their spot on the sidewalk.  I can help to feel a little guilty though.  I did have every intention on speaking with them.  I wanted to see if they were hungry and if they had a place to stay tonight.  I can hear my “friends” screaming in my head, don’t you fucking dare.  They are not your problem.  Stop potentially putting yourself in danger.  You cant help everyone.  We fear what we don’t know.  These guys could kill you.  Well guess what?  No one is here to offer that glib advice anymore.  Ya so they could be dangerous, So could anyone else in this place.  Lets not stigmatize the homeless as all thieves and criminals.  But I am not a moron.  In in a public place with 30 plus people around.  This is safer then meeting any new fling for a date for the first time on tinder.  But the fellows are gone.  i hope they realize that they are worth love and support, just like everyone else. 

I hate it when people tell me if you haven’t found what you are looking for, then keep looking.  What the fuck does that even mean?  Oh so im supposed to look for something when I don’t know what it looks like?  Its like this time I had to go over to my friends moms work because she needed help with her computer.  I get there as ask what the problem is.  She says that she cannot find her files she saved.  Ok,  what are the files you are looking for?  I don’t know. Ok what are the file names?  I don’t know,  what kind of files are they?  I don’t know cant you just find them?  What she didn’t comprehend like anyone else with this attitude is that you can spend your whole life looking for something but if you don’t know what that something is you are just going to waste your and my time.  The key is to find what you are looking for, not search aimlessly for something that might not exist.  People like myself included have a harder time finding out what that is.  Its that lost feeling that you cant do anything about that drains you.  Then you have these assholes tell you well your not looking hard enough.  Don’t listen to these people, they are a dumb.  You are not the only one out there that feels that way.  Trust me.  We know we want something more.  We want to get some a to b. (or c or d)  we just need some direction, not yelled at for not having a fucking map. 

Two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl

I don't think ppl understand the ll that we all go through thing differently.   I always hear "well I had anxiety, I got through it" or " we all get depressed,  get over it".  And it really pisses me off bc these ppl making theses statements have no idea what it's like to have empathy.  Some things roll off our backs and some things we cannot shake.  I get so pissed when ppl say oh what's the big deal,  get over it.  I think they are literally too emotionally moronic to understand that concept,  so let me break it down.   

Say you have 2 fish, in their own bowls with same amount of water.  Now image that every time something negative happens in your life,  you remove a spoonful of water.   Someone dies,  lose you job,  fight with a friend, money troubles, health problems etc.... Each spoonful can really add up and now this fish is left with a depleted bowl to live in, making things harder for him.   Now when someone says well I got over it just fine,  you should too it's like taking a spoonful of water from the full bowl.  It's just a spoonful,  you won't even notice.  But take that same spoonful from that bowl with barely any water in it.  That spoonful if going to have a bigger impact on that poor fish already struggling to survive then the fish in the bowl that's full.    but here the fish in the full bowl swimming around saying I'm fine,  you should be too.  Like wtf?  Can't that fish see that it doesn't have the same amount of fucking water?  No, bc 1) they are fish  and 2) mostly importantly they can't see beyond their own bowl.  

Less talk, more LISTEN

 So its Bell "let's talk" day in a few days.  and this year more then any other year is really pissing me off. 

We tell people to be open, break the stigma behind mental illness, reach out, connect to someone. Talk.  We tell people that if you talk about your issues, you can get help.  You don’t have to suffer alone. But the thought that literally woke me up in the middle of the night is that what if someone gets enough courage to reach out to someone and not received the understanding that we hoped for?  Or worse, get rejected, judged, or abandoned?  Are we setting people up that are already in dire need for love and support to fail?  To push them further away from these supports through no fault of their own? And that terrifies me.   Yes, I believe we should be able to talk openly and freely about everything,  including metal illness without fear  but I don't think we as a society as a whole are not equipped to deal with this heavy subject matter.     We are just not there yet.  And it sucks.  In a prefect world everyone should be able to talk about openly about their problems without being judged but this is not reality and once you are painted with the crazy brush, it makes it difficult for anyone else to see anything but the illness.  

After suffering from Panic disorder from high school and all through my twenties, I developed a unique way of explaining what it's like to live with my idiosyncrasies.  It was through this communication that I was able to keep lasting and meaningful relationships.  It's like hey, I'm a little bit crazy and my behaviour is kind of bizarre sometimes,  don't worry it's just the anxiety.  To me, I'd  rather explain my behaviour then have ppl draw their own conclusions. It's probably why over the years I have had some many ppl be comfortable sharing their personal struggles with me.  And I think that's great bc I wish I had someone I could relate to when I was struggling.  This is why I feel peer support is so important and why I do what I do.  

Many years later,  and boy was it a fight,  I could comfortably say I was in remission with my illness.    But sometimes with mental illness,  it never really goes away and it came back but this time it surfaced as something different.   No longer the familiarity of my past relapses.  In fact, it was so offside that I didn't even know I was sick till it got really,  really bad.  Welcome to the world of depression.    So, I just climbed the biggest mountain in my life and now you are going to throw this shit at me?  Fine.  I climbed that, I can beat this too.  But this time it was different and I don't mean the diagnosis, let me explain.  

When I had the PD, most of my friends and family were aware of my issues.  They even would kind of poke fun at my actions.   I didn't care, at least I had someone to talk to.  It was accepted, that's my illness.  This time around though, it was very different.  Instead of saying to my friends I have to wait till 11:00 to eat, I can't wear the bad shirt or wash my hands over and over again  I was talking about how bleak my life is and how I think everyone would be better off without me.   This did not go over well.  Slowly, one by one, ppl started to pull away.  The things I was so open about before (my thoughts and feelings) that was accepted was now taboo.  People are quick to come over to sign your cast if you have a broken arm but turn away when your head is broken.  People pulled away and the more depressed I got.  The more depressed I got the more I reached out for someone to talk to.  The more I talked about icky things, the more uncomfortable people became and in turn they retreated. Being abandoned is already very sad and a powerful emotion to deal with, now add that to the depression and its absolutely devastating.  

One by one, all the supports I had throughout my recovery with the anxiety were gone.  I was to blame for being a Debbie downer. I was now now a burden.  I was making people uncomfortable. Angry. Resentful.  No one wanted to hang out with me if I was going to act like that (like I had a choice) Well if you don't want my help or won't listen to me then you're on your own. The more hurt I got the more I lashed out.  Why isn't anyone listening? I can't understand why no one can see how much I am  struggling and why they want to beat me up further.  I mean for fuck sake, if I had lost a loved one and I was sad, would you tell me to get over it? If I had cancer and the chemo made me sick and cranky would you leave me to deal with it on my own because I was being a bitch? Of course not because there is an explanation to my behaviour but its completely overlooked with mental illness.  I tried tirelessly to explain my actions, like I did in the past as to why I was acting the way I was but I couldn't get through to anyone.  No one would listen.  And they still won't hear.   Why is this so different?  The Pandora's box was opened and it tainted me.  So now I'm left to fight this battle alone.   

Sometimes the people we love the most are not capable to help us in the way that we desperately need.  And it's soul crushing. Why can't they give me the things I would give to them? I still don't understand how someone could walk away from anyone that is in that kind of pain, let alone someone they care for.  Its like you are drowning in the water, begging for help and everyone is standing on the shore telling you to swim.  Or even worse, turn and walk away.  But It's not their fault. They just don't know how to.  They might not even know how much their behaviour is harmful and it's making it worse. Forgive them.  It's not your fault either.  Remember that.  It's never your fault for the way people treat you.   You do deserve love, support and understanding, just like everyone else.    It's a hard realization that you are on your own and that's a pretty tall order to tell someone who is very ill when they need all the love and support then can get.  Now I wonder, if I didn't say anything.  If I kept all my icky thoughts to myself, and bottled it up inside, would those ppl who left still be here today?  Would I be?   

There are natural helpers out there.  They may be hard to find but I pray that if you do reach out and your hand get slapped away, that you try again and again and again.  Someone, somewhere will grab on and won't let you go.  until then,  keep trying.   You deserve the very best even if the people around you make you feel like you're not worth it.   you are. 

Who's got my water wings?

One meme says depression is like drowning except you can see everyone around you breathing.  Kind of true but what it really is that you are drowning and you reach out for someone to grab on to but they pull their arm away.  Can they not see that I am drowning?  Do they care?  I use to think that they don’t.  how can you sit by and watch someone literally drown before your eyes?  And I thought about this in so many different ways.  Well Some people are just assholes.  That is just a fact of life.  We all have some assholes in our life.  Some people get fed up watching someone try to swim and not get anywhere.  Some people panic that they themselves might fail at the rescue that makes them feel inadequate, you make them feel shitty about themselves and they project that on to you.  Blame the person that invokes their short comings.  Some people feel resentment that they tried to throw you a rope but missed and you are still struggling to stay afloat.  you didn’t try hard enough. Some people get angry that you are even in the water in the first place.  Some people feel so guilty that they are the one that pushed you in.  that once again, you made them feel shitty and how dare you make them feel that shitty.  But what people don’t need is someone throwing rocks are someone who is drowning.  This “tough love” approach doesn’t work.  If anyone tells you that they are doing something for you own good, leave.  Doesn’t matter if it’s a spouse, family member, friend, coworker, dr or even a shrink,  its irresponsible, dangerous and cruel.  To inflect more suffering onto someone already that low is probably the worse thing you could do.  Would you tell someone with cancer nah, im not going to help you through chemo, you’ll thank me later?  Hell no.  that would be totally unacceptable.  But yet I have meet so many people with this attitude when it comes to an illness of the brain,  which like all mental illnesses, depression is.  Its very frustrating that you are already trying to stay above the water and someone comes by and sits from the shore watching you struggle and worse, chastises youor even worse, turns their back on you.   Yet they still in their minds think that they are your saving grace and doing you a solid.  And if you have enough self esteem left to say to this person you are not helping and are making it worse, well, you just shot yourself in the foot.  How dare you tell them that they are wrong.  They were trying to help you and you just bit the hand that fed you, You evil monster.  These people will make you feel even worse about yourself and make you feel bad for having struggles.  I know its hard and you need all the supports you can get but if they cant see the error of their ways,  they are not mentally healthy themselves.  You won’t get what you so desperately need from them. You need compassion.  And what do you do when you can’t find that compassion from anyone? The sad things there are so many of us that don’t have these people in our lives.  I’m told that you have to find it within yourself.  That a pretty tall order when you’re flailing around in the water.  Some have drowned waiting for something that didn’t come. How do you teach yourself to swim if you don’t know how to swim? Some might be able to figure it out on their own,  some might seems to be doing ok but are very tired and not out of the rough yet and some have tried so hard that they have nothing left.  And that is the real tragedy.  If you really want to help someone you care about, show them how much they matter. Lead by example.  Maybe the world wouldn’t seem so bleak if anyone could just show a tiny bit of empathy.   You don’t need to jump in the water to save them, but you can toss them a lifejacket or a rope or when they are back on shore, help them out of the water and congratulate them for persevering. Maybe teach them how to swim in case this happens again so they can save themselves.   but whatever you do, don’t assume that since you know how to swim, they will figure it out too or you will watch them slip under and Turning your back on them is not going to make them try harder or drown less.  But above everything else, make sure you don’t have your foot on their head.