Another rock legend gone.
Chris Cornell, vocalist of one of the big 3 Seattle grunge bands Soundgarden
died last night after a show in Detroit.
He was only 52. I have always had this morbid curiosity as to why/how
people die, especially at a young age.
Old age, cancer, heart disease, these
all makes sense but a spry man in his early 50’s with no health concerns and is
currently touring? Something doesn’t
make sense. Then the ball drops. There is speculation that the lead singer
hanged himself in his hotel room after his performance Wednesday night. May is mental health awareness month; last
week was mental health week. The timing
of this tragic event couldn’t have been more prolific.
I was never a huge Soundgarden fan. I first heard them when I
was still a kid with the release of Badtmotorfinger in 1991. I still remember the first time I saw the
Jesus Christ pose video and how it scared the shit out of me. I was playing with Lego or something and left
it on Much Music and this video came on. I looked up when I heard those guitar riffs
that sounded like alarm sirens and saw these flashing images of crosses and
terminator skulls and it seriously freaked me out! But I couldn’t stop watching
it. Back in the day you were either team
Pearl jam, team Nirvana or team Soundgarden and though I did own that cassette
tape, I was playing for another team. Soundgarden
was the “skid” group, the more metal sounding grunge band. They were the least popular of the 3 and
being a stupid kid one would think I would naturally choose the least popular one
just to be different but my heart belonged to another. That album was on heavy rotation along with
the others but when my little brother’s friend showed up to my house in a
soundgarden shirt one day, I rolled my disapproving big sister eyes and retired
the tape. (Quick side note, that friend
is still a huge Soundgarden fan and he was the person that broke the news to me
that Kurt Cobain died. I’ll always remember that). A few years later when I was
coming of age, the ridiculously massive Superunknown came out. It didn’t sound like Soundgarden. It lost its
heavy, metal vibe, was over produced, and became too commercial and I was
done. I can understand why there might
have had some creative differences between Chris and the rest of the band. One mediocre album later and they
disbanded. And then there was Audioslave
and his solo stuff but this is not supposed to be a reflection of his life’s
work, it’s a reflection of his life and what transpired the moments before his
death so let’s get back to the hard and heavy.
We have lost quite a few music icons over the last year. I literally cried when David Bowie died. It was
sudden but he did suffer from cancer and was 70 years old. Fucking Prince? Fentanyl overdose? it was “accidental” and then there was George
Michael. No one saw that coming and of
course there were rumors flying around about his death but it finally came back
that he died of natural causes. What is
natural about a 51 year old man dying alone in bed on Christmas, I don’t
know. What is so tragic about someone
that dies by suicide is that some of those answers as to why are never
answered. It leaves an empty hole in
your heart that will never be filled. I
think that the hardest thing for people to grasp is why. Why would a person
that on the surface seems to have everything could fathom to do something like
this. The truth is no one really knows
what goes on inside someone’s head. Some
people are good at hiding it. High functioning depression is hard to distinguish
because it doesn’t have the same general signs and symptoms of what depression
is supposed to look like. It’s hard to
diagnose because some people don’t even know they are even sick or, even worse,
your loved ones don’t believe you are ill. One day you seem ok. You are
productive at work, social and appear to be “happy” and the next day you can’t
get out of bed. This can get confusing for others and they can see it as cry
for attention rather than a legitimate warning sign that something is
wrong. It is easy to understand why some
people might not disclose this information to anyone. Some (myself included) have tried tirelessly to
talk about it and have been met with less than ideal understanding. Some reach out and get their hand bitten. Some
reach out and get ignored. Some reach
out and get chastised for crying wolf.
Eventually you learn not to reach out anymore, that its better suffering
alone and that is the true tragedy. Is
this what he was feeling on the night he chose to end his life? What was going
on in Chris’s head that made him feel like if he had to hide his struggles instead
of reaching out for help? I don’t think anyone will ever really
know.
I can hear it already: but he had everything, loyal fans, a
wife, kids, friends and family, a career that spanned decades, talent, money,
fame, fortune, why did he do this? The sad thing about depression is that you
feel so dead inside you can’t feel anything else. All this stuff didn’t matter. None of it did. Chris
had his own demons and has battled depression and drug use for years. No one wakes up and chooses to be an addict.
There were/are reasons why he was self- medicating. Like many illnesses there
is always the possibility of relapse.
Maybe this is what was going on and since he didn’t have his usual
coping strategies to rely on, he felt like he didn’t have anything else. That
guilt must have been heavy. That he
couldn’t just beat this illness and couldn’t stand the look of disappointment
on his family’ faces. That is now a burden. I
can’t even begin to imagine the amount of pressure he was under. You are clean and sober now and you have a
family to take care of. Everyone is watching. Don’t fuck up.
The family made a statement about Chris’s death that speculates
his actions were effected by his prescription of Ativan (a benzodiazepine used
for its sedative effect) and that on that night he might have taken too much. I always found it bizarre that the treatment
for suicidal thoughts is pills that have the potential to cause suicidal
thoughts. It never made sense to me
until I asked a doctor friend why. He said
that when you are depressed, your mood and motivation is low. When you take an antidepressant, your energy
levels return faster than your mood so now that motivation is coming from a
dark mood which can cause people to do things that they normally would not do
so that is why it is important to be monitored
until things have leveled out. While
this might have been a factor in his death, it’s hard to ignore the life long
battle with mental illness and substance abuse as the primary cause. It also further stigmatizes that
pharmaceuticals are “evil” and should be avoided at all costs. I don’t believe in prescribing medication
haphazardly as a cure all but I also believe medication is highly effective
when necessary. I know for myself that I
wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for these same “benzos” that Chris was
taking. They literally saved my life
and I’d hate to see anyone suffer needlessly because they read an article on
the internet that all medication is bad. While I understand the family is
mourning the loss of their beloved husband and father and are trying to make
sense of this tragedy, I think that they might be in denial about how ill Chris
really was. There's that guilt
again.
There is no suffering greater than what drives people to
suicide. It’s the moment when mental anguish exceeds the capacity to bear it. You reach a point where you feel like there
are no other options. How do you
convince yourself to live when all you want to do is die? I can’t stand it when people tell you to
find strength within yourself. Obviously
they can’t or they wouldn’t need help in the first place but yet I see so often
people get chastised for having struggles. Blame the victim rather then the circumstances No wonder people keep things inside. Suicide is 100 percent preventable. No one wants to die, they just want the pain
to end. It is the complete abandonment
of all hope. You can’t tell someone to
keep trying to look for it because its not there. Its gone.
Its noting coming back. They need
to be shown that they are worth a damn, even if they screw up. Usually
it’s not the initiating trauma that causes the pain but the lack of support after. This is where we can make a difference. Unconditional
love, understanding and support is the key to giving someone the tinniest amount
of light that they need to get themselves out of the dark when they fall "on
black days”
Another rock legend laid to rest and unfortunately has
become another rock cliche. RIP Chris. I
don’t think anyone knew how hard you fought to be here but I hope you have
found your peace. Though I was never a huge fan, I respect your body of work and your
immense contribution to music over the last 30 plus years. I know there is talk about how he knew that
this was going to be his last performance because he closed the show with a snippet
of 'In My Time of Dying” but he actually did this throughout the tour. You only
have to read his omniscient lyrics to know that he has been telling us his
struggles for years. When we are happy
we enjoy the music, and when we are sad we understand lyrics and his music was
so identifiable to millions of fans that could feel his pain.
To anyone reading this that has had to endure the anguish of
your own brain telling you that you are not worth it and fought tooth and nail
to make it through the day, week, month, year, you deserve a big applause, a
pat on the back and a hug. I’m truly at awe with you. I think it was Juliette Lewis that said “the bravest
thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die’ and I couldn’t
agree more. It’s easier to give up,
trust me, I have thought about it over and over again. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. To just say fuck it and
put a final end to all this misery. Its
takes true courage to fight a battle with no army with the odds stacked against
you and it takes real strength to get up when you have nothing left to stand
for, especially when you’ve been knocked down over and over again. If you ever had to deal with those thoughts
and made it through day in and you are still here day out, you are the real rock star.
Whatsoever I've feared has come to life
Whatsoever I've fought off became my life
Just when everyday seemed to greet me with a smile
Sunspots have faded and now I'm doing time
Now I'm doing time
'Cause I fell on black days
I fell on black days
Whomsoever I've cured, I've sickened now
And whomsoever I've cradled, I've put you down
I'm a search light soul they say
But I can't see it in the night
I'm only faking when I get it right
When I get it right
'Cause I fell on black days
I fell on black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate?
How would I know
That this could be my fate? Yeah
Uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, uh
Uh, uh, uh
So what you wanted to see good
Has made you blind
And what you wanted to be yours
Has made it mine
Don't you lock up something
That you wanted to see fly
Hands are for shaking
No, not tying, no, not tying
I sure don't mind a change
I sure don't mind a change
Yeah, I sure don't mind, sure don't mind a change
I sure don't mind a change
'Cause I fell on black days
I fell on black days
How would I know
That this could be my fate?
How would I know
That this could be my fate?
How would I know
That this could be my fate?
How would I know
That this could be my fate?
I sure don't mind a change
