So Im sitting here again at a 24 hour McDonalds. Quite busy considering its 10 pm on a Tuesday
night. I am stilling waiting for my
order of a deluxe hot coco and im scanning the room to find a good place to set
up for the next little while. They
closed the upstairs so the ground floor is the only option. As I look for a table that doesn’t have reminisce
of left over food particles from the previous diner I find a small table right
by the window. I put my stuff down briefly
and walk over to get my order. I come
back and sitting on the opposite side of the window is a young, disheveled and
looks to be homeless man. I don’t mean
to generalize or judge a person by their appearances but the lack of shoes and
dollar store shopping bag he is using a cushion is kind of a give away. I had every intention on getting some work
done but this has side tracked me. He has a few facial tattoos, and seems to be
shaking and trembling while conversing with himself. He also seems to be looking for something he
dropped. He has been doing this for 10
minutes now. I don’t think he is going
to find what ever he lost. My first
instinct is that he is either on some sort of drugs (recreational or other) or
he is coming off of them. I see people
walk by him and they don’t give him a second thought. Stare straight ahead as
they scramble by to get their big macs.
It makes me so sad that people are quick to judge and are so
ignorant. There is a reason why that
fellow is like the way he is. Even if
the drug use is what this key issue is, why does his life matter less then then
the other people walking in here? even
if you are so ignorant that you believe that people that do drugs did it to themselves, it doesn’t change the fact there are reasons
why people end up like this. No I never
did drugs, I never really drank all that much I still don’t but it doesn’t mean
I don’t know why people choose to self medicate. Then when you find the one thing that helps,
even if it’s a tiny bite, everyone tells
you well you cant have that anymore. Worse, you become physically dependent. So what are your options? The side effects of what drug of choice you
choose to do or absolute misery. And you
still wonder why people end up like this?
Regardless, there is always a cause.
Always. Instead we victim blame
and judge instead of offering compassion and support. “oh, they just don’t want to help
themselves”. New flash, they don’t know how
to.
People don’t choose to be drug addicts. It’s a by product of circumstance. I wonder if anyone saw the warning signs of
this young fellow? I wonder if anyone
cared? I wondered if his supports got
fed up with him failing to be clean and they washed their hand with him? Kind of like what happened to me. I’m not nearly as destitute at this guy but I
can still feel the same kind of rejection.
If I didn’t self loath and hurt myself in other ways, would i be that all different then him. I guess the point I am trying to make is that
everyone deals with things differently.
Your struggles are real. They are
not more or less important then anyone elses and if anyone tells you that they
are , they are dead wrong. What do you
have to be so depressed about? People
have it worse then you, you should be counting you blessing not bitching about
them. And people say in negative? Wonder
why when this is the stuff I have to deal with. Well it seems that the young gentlemen
has a friend, equally as disheveled.
Haha, I can feel myself smirking because these derelicts have more
friends then I do. It reminds me of the
book heaver then heaven, the unofficial biography of kurt cobain. One of very
few books I actually read. The few days
before he died, he left rehab and instead of going back to his family and
friends he chose to hang out with other drug users. Why?
Because they saw him as just another use. Just another person. Not the biggest rock star on the planet. They understood his pain. Its too bad that the people who were the most
empathizing were also too far gone to help.
Everyone isn’t your friend. Just
because they hang out with you and do stuff with doesn’t mean they are you true
friends. Maybe that’s what kurt always
wanted. Someone that could really, wholeheartedly
love him in the way he so desperately needed.
Sadly, he could find that. And I
remember reading the book and crying thinking am I doomed to end up like him? And fuck, he was a millionaire. he could buy the best doctors and therapists. Shit, he could buy friends. I don’t have his money or fame. I’m totally screwed. If he couldn’t make it with all the available
resources he had then I should give up now and save myself the
aggravation. My only saving grace is
that I recognize this. I recognize my issue’s and patterns and why I do the
things I do. And even though it’s along
shot, If I know what my problems are, then maybe, just maybe there is a
solution. Still haven’t found out what
that is though. Maybe kurt didn’t see
what was hurting him. Maybe he did but
felt helpless to be able to do anything about it. One things for sure, he lost hope. And I barely hanging on by a thread. The thing that really stuck with me is how
this man, a living god, adored by millions, and couldn’t be happy. He was so dead on the inside that he couldn’t
feel the good in anything anymore. Just
pain and self-medicating to cope with his inner struggles. When all you feel is pain, anything is a
better alternative.
Back to the duo outside.
They left their spot on the sidewalk.
I can help to feel a little guilty though. I did have every intention on speaking with
them. I wanted to see if they were
hungry and if they had a place to stay tonight.
I can hear my “friends” screaming in my head, don’t you fucking dare. They are not your problem. Stop potentially putting yourself in
danger. You cant help everyone. We fear what we don’t know. These guys could kill you. Well guess what? No one is here to offer that glib advice
anymore. Ya so they could be dangerous, So
could anyone else in this place. Lets
not stigmatize the homeless as all thieves and criminals. But I am not a moron. In in a public place with 30 plus people
around. This is safer then meeting any new
fling for a date for the first time on tinder.
But the fellows are gone. i hope
they realize that they are worth love and support, just like everyone
else.
I hate it when people tell me if you haven’t found what you
are looking for, then keep looking. What
the fuck does that even mean? Oh so im supposed
to look for something when I don’t know what it looks like? Its like this time I had to go over to my
friends moms work because she needed help with her computer. I get there as ask what the problem is. She says that she cannot find her files she
saved. Ok, what are the files you are looking for? I don’t know. Ok what are the file names? I don’t know,
what kind of files are they? I
don’t know cant you just find them? What
she didn’t comprehend like anyone else with this attitude is that you can spend
your whole life looking for something but if you don’t know what that something
is you are just going to waste your and my time. The key is to find what you are looking for,
not search aimlessly for something that might not exist. People like myself included have a harder
time finding out what that is. Its that
lost feeling that you cant do anything about that drains you. Then you have these assholes tell you well
your not looking hard enough. Don’t
listen to these people, they are a dumb.
You are not the only one out there that feels that way. Trust me.
We know we want something more.
We want to get some a to b. (or c or d)
we just need some direction, not yelled at for not having a fucking
map.
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