I'll have a Big Mac with a side of ignoance

So Im sitting here again at a 24 hour McDonalds.  Quite busy considering its 10 pm on a Tuesday night.  I am stilling waiting for my order of a deluxe hot coco and im scanning the room to find a good place to set up for the next little while.  They closed the upstairs so the ground floor is the only option.  As I look for a table that doesn’t have reminisce of left over food particles from the previous diner I find a small table right by the window.   I put my stuff down briefly and walk over to get my order.  I come back and sitting on the opposite side of the window is a young, disheveled and looks to be homeless man.  I don’t mean to generalize or judge a person by their appearances but the lack of shoes and dollar store shopping bag he is using a cushion is kind of a give away.  I had every intention on getting some work done but this has side tracked me.   He has a few facial tattoos, and seems to be shaking and trembling while conversing with himself.  He also seems to be looking for something he dropped.  He has been doing this for 10 minutes now.  I don’t think he is going to find what ever he lost.    My first instinct is that he is either on some sort of drugs (recreational or other) or he is coming off of them.  I see people walk by him and they don’t give him a second thought. Stare straight ahead as they scramble by to get their big macs.   It makes me so sad that people are quick to judge and are so ignorant.  There is a reason why that fellow is like the way he is.  Even if the drug use is what this key issue is, why does his life matter less then then the other people walking in here?  even if you are so ignorant that you believe that people that do drugs did it to themselves,  it doesn’t change the fact there are reasons why people end up like this.   No I never did drugs, I never really drank all that much I still don’t but it doesn’t mean I don’t know why people choose to self medicate.  Then when you find the one thing that helps, even if it’s a tiny bite,  everyone tells you well you cant have that anymore. Worse, you become physically dependent.    So what are your options?  The side effects of what drug of choice you choose to do or absolute misery.  And you still wonder why people end up like this?  Regardless, there is always a cause.  Always.  Instead we victim blame and judge instead of offering compassion and support.  “oh, they just don’t want to help themselves”.  New flash, they don’t know how to.  

  People don’t choose to be drug addicts.  It’s a by product of circumstance.  I wonder if anyone saw the warning signs of this young fellow?  I wonder if anyone cared?  I wondered if his supports got fed up with him failing to be clean and they washed their hand with him?   Kind of like what happened to me.  I’m not nearly as destitute at this guy but I can still feel the same kind of rejection.  If I didn’t self loath and hurt myself in other ways,  would i be that all different then him.  I guess the point I am trying to make is that everyone deals with things differently.  Your struggles are real.  They are not more or less important then anyone elses and if anyone tells you that they are , they are dead wrong.  What do you have to be so depressed about?  People have it worse then you, you should be counting you blessing not bitching about them.  And people say in negative? Wonder why when this is the stuff I have to deal with. Well it seems that the young gentlemen has a friend, equally as disheveled.  Haha, I can feel myself smirking because these derelicts have more friends then I do.  It reminds me of the book heaver then heaven, the unofficial biography of kurt cobain. One of very few books I actually read.  The few days before he died, he left rehab and instead of going back to his family and friends he chose to hang out with other drug users.  Why?  Because they saw him as just another use.  Just another person.  Not the biggest rock star on the planet.  They understood his pain.  Its too bad that the people who were the most empathizing were also too far gone to help.  Everyone isn’t your friend.  Just because they hang out with you and do stuff with doesn’t mean they are you true friends.  Maybe that’s what kurt always wanted.  Someone that could really, wholeheartedly love him in the way he so desperately needed.  Sadly, he could find that.  And I remember reading the book and crying thinking am I doomed to end up like him?  And fuck, he was a millionaire.  he could buy the best doctors and therapists.  Shit, he could buy friends.  I don’t have his money or fame.  I’m totally screwed.  If he couldn’t make it with all the available resources he had then I should give up now and save myself the aggravation.  My only saving grace is that I recognize this. I recognize my issue’s and patterns and why I do the things I do.  And even though it’s along shot, If I know what my problems are, then maybe, just maybe there is a solution.  Still haven’t found out what that is though.  Maybe kurt didn’t see what was hurting him.  Maybe he did but felt helpless to be able to do anything about it.  One things for sure, he lost hope.  And I barely hanging on by a thread.  The thing that really stuck with me is how this man, a living god, adored by millions, and couldn’t be happy.  He was so dead on the inside that he couldn’t feel the good in anything anymore.  Just pain and self-medicating to cope with his inner struggles.  When all you feel is pain, anything is a better alternative.  

Back to the duo outside.  They left their spot on the sidewalk.  I can help to feel a little guilty though.  I did have every intention on speaking with them.  I wanted to see if they were hungry and if they had a place to stay tonight.  I can hear my “friends” screaming in my head, don’t you fucking dare.  They are not your problem.  Stop potentially putting yourself in danger.  You cant help everyone.  We fear what we don’t know.  These guys could kill you.  Well guess what?  No one is here to offer that glib advice anymore.  Ya so they could be dangerous, So could anyone else in this place.  Lets not stigmatize the homeless as all thieves and criminals.  But I am not a moron.  In in a public place with 30 plus people around.  This is safer then meeting any new fling for a date for the first time on tinder.  But the fellows are gone.  i hope they realize that they are worth love and support, just like everyone else. 

I hate it when people tell me if you haven’t found what you are looking for, then keep looking.  What the fuck does that even mean?  Oh so im supposed to look for something when I don’t know what it looks like?  Its like this time I had to go over to my friends moms work because she needed help with her computer.  I get there as ask what the problem is.  She says that she cannot find her files she saved.  Ok,  what are the files you are looking for?  I don’t know. Ok what are the file names?  I don’t know,  what kind of files are they?  I don’t know cant you just find them?  What she didn’t comprehend like anyone else with this attitude is that you can spend your whole life looking for something but if you don’t know what that something is you are just going to waste your and my time.  The key is to find what you are looking for, not search aimlessly for something that might not exist.  People like myself included have a harder time finding out what that is.  Its that lost feeling that you cant do anything about that drains you.  Then you have these assholes tell you well your not looking hard enough.  Don’t listen to these people, they are a dumb.  You are not the only one out there that feels that way.  Trust me.  We know we want something more.  We want to get some a to b. (or c or d)  we just need some direction, not yelled at for not having a fucking map. 

Two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl

I don't think ppl understand the ll that we all go through thing differently.   I always hear "well I had anxiety, I got through it" or " we all get depressed,  get over it".  And it really pisses me off bc these ppl making theses statements have no idea what it's like to have empathy.  Some things roll off our backs and some things we cannot shake.  I get so pissed when ppl say oh what's the big deal,  get over it.  I think they are literally too emotionally moronic to understand that concept,  so let me break it down.   

Say you have 2 fish, in their own bowls with same amount of water.  Now image that every time something negative happens in your life,  you remove a spoonful of water.   Someone dies,  lose you job,  fight with a friend, money troubles, health problems etc.... Each spoonful can really add up and now this fish is left with a depleted bowl to live in, making things harder for him.   Now when someone says well I got over it just fine,  you should too it's like taking a spoonful of water from the full bowl.  It's just a spoonful,  you won't even notice.  But take that same spoonful from that bowl with barely any water in it.  That spoonful if going to have a bigger impact on that poor fish already struggling to survive then the fish in the bowl that's full.    but here the fish in the full bowl swimming around saying I'm fine,  you should be too.  Like wtf?  Can't that fish see that it doesn't have the same amount of fucking water?  No, bc 1) they are fish  and 2) mostly importantly they can't see beyond their own bowl.  

Shitting pets and the shitty people who own them

I naïvely lived my short life thinking that I mattered in some way.  Fortunately, I'm a realist and can see through that bullshit.   I'm not going to sit and try to convince myself that I'm worth something when there are so many others proving to me wrong.  It's a struggle that I will never win and if I were even equipped to battle, I would have laid down my sword long ago. I'm left exhausted fighting for something that I knew I would never win and the more I tried, the harder it got till eventually I just gave up.  there is only so much shit a person can take before a person can admit defeat. I was already broken but I still stood up to fight. Blindly and without purpose. Over and over again like a moronic dog that keeps getting swat at for shitting on floor.  That stupid dog.  believing that  people still love him despite his flaws when in actuality the owner has put up posters all over the neighborhood hoping that someone would take the damn dog off their hands. they are just fed up dealing with the burden of shit.   There once was a feeling of Fulfillment and joy that came with the unconditional love that comes with a pet but that sadly turned into resentment and abandonment. This person can't or won't see the positive things that having this companion can bring into their mundane lives, focusing on the negative only and refuses to recognize that if they weren't such selfish and thoughtless assholes, they would see that if they just let it out more or gave it the slightest bit of thought, the dog wouldn't be shitting on the damn floor in the first place. Blaming the dog when it was the fault of the shitty owners, putting the blame on someone else because they're too stupid to realize they are being jerks and won't  admit that they are shitty people.  The dog gets pawned off to another asshole family that immediately labels the dog as damaged, lashing out in frustration instead of trying to understand why the dog has this problem in the first place.  Too lazy for the work involved.  To dumb to see their own faults. Blindness takes over, blame is placed solely on the dog,  it all his fault,  he's too much to deal with and it's off to the next family. And then another and another.  the poor dog still thinks that one day there will come a time where he will be loved but there is doubt for the first time and vows to try even harder to meet their expectations.  Trying so hard just to show everyone that He deserves a chance, wasting all his energy on the very people that will never see it.  selfishness is a parasite. It multiplies and takes over so you can't see what an asshole you've become.  even worse, you surround yourself with other assholes, thinking that this is the norm and this how people should behave.  Its safer being in a herd then to stray from the flock. Mindless sheep, prefer to follow the crowd off a fucking cliff then to stop and think that maybe plummeting  to their death is not such a good idea.  eventually that dog ends up alone in a shelter wondering why no one wants him.  And there he sits day in and day out thinking why doesn't anyone care.  He begins to believe what all the shitty owners believe, that he is damaged.  the once happy and cheerful pup is now filled with self doubt and sorrow. robbed of his happiness, no one wants a sad dog, justifying why he is there.   He is shit and everyone just proved it.  Weeks go by. Then months. Secretly he wishes that he'd be brought into that room with the gas as a means to end his suffering.  Anything is better then living with self hatred and doubt.  then something wonderful happens. a small child walks over to the dog pen and smiles with excitement.  That's the one, she squeals.  The cage handlers do their best to steer the family away from the dog with shit problem but that child doesn't want to hear it.  She just knows that this one is special.  The parents are reluctant but want to make there child happy so and are willing to sacrifice their time and over look the flaws of a helpless orphan. The parasite did not seem to get a hold of this family and what they discovered is how very special this dog really is.  So much love coming from such a damaged soul when all he ever wanted was to give it's heart to others.  to think that they could have just mindlessly skipped over that kennel and could have missed out on such a wonderful pet. That dog  just needed to be given a chance to prove that he is not all bad.  so the choice is yours. which one do you want to be? We are not born assholes, it is something that is learned and it can be unlearned by having Compassion, love and empathy.  This world can make us hard but Don't let it turn you into an asshole.  There are too many others out there already, we don't need anymore