Happy 420 part one

420 (April 20^th) is here but before everyone smokes a big fatty to celebrate, I wanted write about my thoughts about the legalization and decriminalization of marijuana in Canada.  

First and foremost, Smoking pot should not be a criminal offense and I am happy that Canada has started the liberalization process to make cannabis legal, however, I think there are many things that some have overlooked during this process,  Mainly the difference between recreational and medical use and the rules and regulations behind each. 

The regulation on access to cannabis for medical purposes was established in 2002, where medical Doctors could legally prescribe cannabis to their patients for certain conditions without the fear of prosecution.  Then in 2014 Marijuana for Medical Purposes Regulations authorized licensed production of medical cannabis and the prescriptions for pot skyrocketed and dispensaries started popping up everywhere, even though selling marijuana over the counter is still illegal, with or without a pot card. Yes, it is illegal to sell cannabis and related products over the counter to anyone.  Hence the all the raids you hear about in the news. Even some employees that worked at some of these dispensaries didn’t know it was illegal until they got arrested. The dispensaries are operating illegally in anticipation that the law will pass that they can legally sell their products. In the long run, the risk of fines and court costs are minimal compared to the potential of being one of the selected few that will be allowed to operate in any given city once the law has changed. So if it is illegal to sell pot over the counter to anyone, then why do I need to prescription to buy a product that it illegal anyway?   Truth is, you really don’t.  it’s up to the dispensary to determine who they sell to and most try to “weed” out random pot heads by requiring a prescription or pot license, to show they are trying to have some type of regulation in place.  They are pushing for decimalization but are further stigmatizing it by only selling it for medical purposes.  This is what I have a problem with.   I’ll get back to this in a minute.

Several years ago, I suffered a debilitating back injury. Many avenues were explored to help elevate the pain associated with it.   After years of physiotherapy, traction, exercise and medication I still live with the chronic pain.  Though surgery is  pending because I healed crocked, I still have one option before this last resort for relief.  Cannabis.  I had lengthy discussions with my doctors about it and for me the pros definitely outweigh the cons.   Ok Doc, sign me up.  It’s better then relaying on heavy pain killers I was afraid to take.  To “legally” buy pot for medical use in Canada, you must have a prescription from a medical doctor and/or obtain a license, order it from a licensed producer and get in sent through the mail.   Once I am registered at any of the regulated producers, I can go on their web site and order pretty much whatever I want.  some places and companies have different rules but this was my experience.  As someone that hasn’t  touched this stuff in several years I was overwhelmed and frustrated with this.  This is the first time I realized the benefits and need for dispensaries.  My first attempt at self medication involved me blindly ordering some cannabis oil I read in a short description on the company’s web site.   It came in the mail 4 days later with my pot card (license to tell the authorizes that I am allowed to have this stuff) a syringe and a chart on how to take it.  Basically It says to take a tiny amount  (0.2 ml) and build up from there until I can feel the effects of it.  I don’t know when to take it, how often to take it, what kind I should take. Nothing.  Just me and this stupid chart to figure it out.  The call center is useless because they have no way of knowing how I will react to it.  Almost a full bottle later and several weeks of figuring out my dose I’m at 20ml to notice any relief.  And at $90 a bottle, its was an expensive experiment.   If I continue I’m looking at about $200 a month, significantly more then the few dollars I paid for my pills at the pharmacy.  This is not looking good.  

I went out for a dinner one evening and while I was walking from my car to the restaurant, I noticed a dispensary.  I popped in after dinner.  I had to be buzzed in.  I meet with an employee, told him about my issues and my recent experiences and asked what I needed to do to buy their products.  I didn’t have my card with me but I just happened to be at my doctors that day and had a new prescription for my back with me.  That was enough and I was signed up on the spot.  It was nice that I could talk to an actual person about the different types of pot, strains, edibles, oils, and their benefits.  I told him that I wanted something for my back but I also suffered from an anxiety disorder for most of my life and I didn’t want to take something that was going to make that worse.  He told me that he suffered from the same thing, that he was on antidepressants for years, tried pot and he’s off all the evils pharmaceuticals for good.  This is where I walked out of store and brings me back to my first point.  

If people want to use cannabis for recreational use, they should be able to.  They should be able to walk into a dispensary without a card or prescription and pick out their pot like they are picking out flavours for a blizzard at dairy queen.  Its no different then someone walking into the LCBO or beer store.  What I have a big problem with is marketing Marijuana for Medical Purposes and how it is sold.  Before you get your panties in a bunch ask yourself this; would it be ok for someone to walk into the liquor store, go up to a random employee, tell them that they have back pain and ask the employee to recommend something that will help?  Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it but this is what is going on at some of these dispensaries.   But they have a prescription right?  Yes they do, but if I had a prescription for penicillin, I have to get it from a licensed pharmacist, that knows what other medications I am taking, the side effects, if it counteracts with other things I am taking, detailed instructions on how to take it, medical information and its dispensed by medical professional.   But its natural and none additive (unlike alcohol).  Just because something natural doesn’t mean its safe and just because something physically none habit forming doesn’t mean its not additive.  Opium is natural too.  People have died from water poisoning and addiction is a state of being enslaved to a habit that is psychologically or physically habit-forming which could mean anything can be addictive.   Its naïve to think that pot is completely harmless and its very dangerous for people at these dispensary’s to convey this message.  Someone with no medical background should not being giving out medical advice. Period.  There is a reason while medical doctors go through several years of school and sales staff do not.  They might be experts on the products they are selling but in no way does that qualify them to dole out medical advice.  The dispensaries are there to do one thing, sell their products.  If I went to shopper’s drug mart with prescription for antidepressants and a staff member recommended that I take vitamins instead, they’d be fired on the spot.   It makes sense why the government was looking at the idea of having pot dispensed at pharmacies.  This needs to be regulated better then it is. While that employee didn’t directly tell me I should go off all my meds and take pot instead, I also wasn’t warned of the possible repercussions if I did or possible side effects of their products and who would be responsible if i did have a bad reaction? what if i ate too much of the of brownies i bought and ended up falling on the sidewalk? i guess you really dont know how you are going to react to any medications natural or not but there are no warning labels on my brownies like they are on my pill bottles. and its the edibles that the government has a big problem with. 

 There is a connection between drug use and mental illness.  Studies have shown that while drug use (including and especially marijuana) doesn’t directly “cause” a mental illness, someone that has a predisposition to mental illness might get triggered by it and can make someone with a pre-existing condition worse.  That thought terrifies me, which is why I was so reluctant to try it in the first place.  i have only begone too dive into this subject.

To be continued........

Less talk, more LISTEN

 So its Bell "let's talk" day in a few days.  and this year more then any other year is really pissing me off. 

We tell people to be open, break the stigma behind mental illness, reach out, connect to someone. Talk.  We tell people that if you talk about your issues, you can get help.  You don’t have to suffer alone. But the thought that literally woke me up in the middle of the night is that what if someone gets enough courage to reach out to someone and not received the understanding that we hoped for?  Or worse, get rejected, judged, or abandoned?  Are we setting people up that are already in dire need for love and support to fail?  To push them further away from these supports through no fault of their own? And that terrifies me.   Yes, I believe we should be able to talk openly and freely about everything,  including metal illness without fear  but I don't think we as a society as a whole are not equipped to deal with this heavy subject matter.     We are just not there yet.  And it sucks.  In a prefect world everyone should be able to talk about openly about their problems without being judged but this is not reality and once you are painted with the crazy brush, it makes it difficult for anyone else to see anything but the illness.  

After suffering from Panic disorder from high school and all through my twenties, I developed a unique way of explaining what it's like to live with my idiosyncrasies.  It was through this communication that I was able to keep lasting and meaningful relationships.  It's like hey, I'm a little bit crazy and my behaviour is kind of bizarre sometimes,  don't worry it's just the anxiety.  To me, I'd  rather explain my behaviour then have ppl draw their own conclusions. It's probably why over the years I have had some many ppl be comfortable sharing their personal struggles with me.  And I think that's great bc I wish I had someone I could relate to when I was struggling.  This is why I feel peer support is so important and why I do what I do.  

Many years later,  and boy was it a fight,  I could comfortably say I was in remission with my illness.    But sometimes with mental illness,  it never really goes away and it came back but this time it surfaced as something different.   No longer the familiarity of my past relapses.  In fact, it was so offside that I didn't even know I was sick till it got really,  really bad.  Welcome to the world of depression.    So, I just climbed the biggest mountain in my life and now you are going to throw this shit at me?  Fine.  I climbed that, I can beat this too.  But this time it was different and I don't mean the diagnosis, let me explain.  

When I had the PD, most of my friends and family were aware of my issues.  They even would kind of poke fun at my actions.   I didn't care, at least I had someone to talk to.  It was accepted, that's my illness.  This time around though, it was very different.  Instead of saying to my friends I have to wait till 11:00 to eat, I can't wear the bad shirt or wash my hands over and over again  I was talking about how bleak my life is and how I think everyone would be better off without me.   This did not go over well.  Slowly, one by one, ppl started to pull away.  The things I was so open about before (my thoughts and feelings) that was accepted was now taboo.  People are quick to come over to sign your cast if you have a broken arm but turn away when your head is broken.  People pulled away and the more depressed I got.  The more depressed I got the more I reached out for someone to talk to.  The more I talked about icky things, the more uncomfortable people became and in turn they retreated. Being abandoned is already very sad and a powerful emotion to deal with, now add that to the depression and its absolutely devastating.  

One by one, all the supports I had throughout my recovery with the anxiety were gone.  I was to blame for being a Debbie downer. I was now now a burden.  I was making people uncomfortable. Angry. Resentful.  No one wanted to hang out with me if I was going to act like that (like I had a choice) Well if you don't want my help or won't listen to me then you're on your own. The more hurt I got the more I lashed out.  Why isn't anyone listening? I can't understand why no one can see how much I am  struggling and why they want to beat me up further.  I mean for fuck sake, if I had lost a loved one and I was sad, would you tell me to get over it? If I had cancer and the chemo made me sick and cranky would you leave me to deal with it on my own because I was being a bitch? Of course not because there is an explanation to my behaviour but its completely overlooked with mental illness.  I tried tirelessly to explain my actions, like I did in the past as to why I was acting the way I was but I couldn't get through to anyone.  No one would listen.  And they still won't hear.   Why is this so different?  The Pandora's box was opened and it tainted me.  So now I'm left to fight this battle alone.   

Sometimes the people we love the most are not capable to help us in the way that we desperately need.  And it's soul crushing. Why can't they give me the things I would give to them? I still don't understand how someone could walk away from anyone that is in that kind of pain, let alone someone they care for.  Its like you are drowning in the water, begging for help and everyone is standing on the shore telling you to swim.  Or even worse, turn and walk away.  But It's not their fault. They just don't know how to.  They might not even know how much their behaviour is harmful and it's making it worse. Forgive them.  It's not your fault either.  Remember that.  It's never your fault for the way people treat you.   You do deserve love, support and understanding, just like everyone else.    It's a hard realization that you are on your own and that's a pretty tall order to tell someone who is very ill when they need all the love and support then can get.  Now I wonder, if I didn't say anything.  If I kept all my icky thoughts to myself, and bottled it up inside, would those ppl who left still be here today?  Would I be?   

There are natural helpers out there.  They may be hard to find but I pray that if you do reach out and your hand get slapped away, that you try again and again and again.  Someone, somewhere will grab on and won't let you go.  until then,  keep trying.   You deserve the very best even if the people around you make you feel like you're not worth it.   you are. 

Who's got my water wings?

One meme says depression is like drowning except you can see everyone around you breathing.  Kind of true but what it really is that you are drowning and you reach out for someone to grab on to but they pull their arm away.  Can they not see that I am drowning?  Do they care?  I use to think that they don’t.  how can you sit by and watch someone literally drown before your eyes?  And I thought about this in so many different ways.  Well Some people are just assholes.  That is just a fact of life.  We all have some assholes in our life.  Some people get fed up watching someone try to swim and not get anywhere.  Some people panic that they themselves might fail at the rescue that makes them feel inadequate, you make them feel shitty about themselves and they project that on to you.  Blame the person that invokes their short comings.  Some people feel resentment that they tried to throw you a rope but missed and you are still struggling to stay afloat.  you didn’t try hard enough. Some people get angry that you are even in the water in the first place.  Some people feel so guilty that they are the one that pushed you in.  that once again, you made them feel shitty and how dare you make them feel that shitty.  But what people don’t need is someone throwing rocks are someone who is drowning.  This “tough love” approach doesn’t work.  If anyone tells you that they are doing something for you own good, leave.  Doesn’t matter if it’s a spouse, family member, friend, coworker, dr or even a shrink,  its irresponsible, dangerous and cruel.  To inflect more suffering onto someone already that low is probably the worse thing you could do.  Would you tell someone with cancer nah, im not going to help you through chemo, you’ll thank me later?  Hell no.  that would be totally unacceptable.  But yet I have meet so many people with this attitude when it comes to an illness of the brain,  which like all mental illnesses, depression is.  Its very frustrating that you are already trying to stay above the water and someone comes by and sits from the shore watching you struggle and worse, chastises youor even worse, turns their back on you.   Yet they still in their minds think that they are your saving grace and doing you a solid.  And if you have enough self esteem left to say to this person you are not helping and are making it worse, well, you just shot yourself in the foot.  How dare you tell them that they are wrong.  They were trying to help you and you just bit the hand that fed you, You evil monster.  These people will make you feel even worse about yourself and make you feel bad for having struggles.  I know its hard and you need all the supports you can get but if they cant see the error of their ways,  they are not mentally healthy themselves.  You won’t get what you so desperately need from them. You need compassion.  And what do you do when you can’t find that compassion from anyone? The sad things there are so many of us that don’t have these people in our lives.  I’m told that you have to find it within yourself.  That a pretty tall order when you’re flailing around in the water.  Some have drowned waiting for something that didn’t come. How do you teach yourself to swim if you don’t know how to swim? Some might be able to figure it out on their own,  some might seems to be doing ok but are very tired and not out of the rough yet and some have tried so hard that they have nothing left.  And that is the real tragedy.  If you really want to help someone you care about, show them how much they matter. Lead by example.  Maybe the world wouldn’t seem so bleak if anyone could just show a tiny bit of empathy.   You don’t need to jump in the water to save them, but you can toss them a lifejacket or a rope or when they are back on shore, help them out of the water and congratulate them for persevering. Maybe teach them how to swim in case this happens again so they can save themselves.   but whatever you do, don’t assume that since you know how to swim, they will figure it out too or you will watch them slip under and Turning your back on them is not going to make them try harder or drown less.  But above everything else, make sure you don’t have your foot on their head.    

Shitting pets and the shitty people who own them

I naïvely lived my short life thinking that I mattered in some way.  Fortunately, I'm a realist and can see through that bullshit.   I'm not going to sit and try to convince myself that I'm worth something when there are so many others proving to me wrong.  It's a struggle that I will never win and if I were even equipped to battle, I would have laid down my sword long ago. I'm left exhausted fighting for something that I knew I would never win and the more I tried, the harder it got till eventually I just gave up.  there is only so much shit a person can take before a person can admit defeat. I was already broken but I still stood up to fight. Blindly and without purpose. Over and over again like a moronic dog that keeps getting swat at for shitting on floor.  That stupid dog.  believing that  people still love him despite his flaws when in actuality the owner has put up posters all over the neighborhood hoping that someone would take the damn dog off their hands. they are just fed up dealing with the burden of shit.   There once was a feeling of Fulfillment and joy that came with the unconditional love that comes with a pet but that sadly turned into resentment and abandonment. This person can't or won't see the positive things that having this companion can bring into their mundane lives, focusing on the negative only and refuses to recognize that if they weren't such selfish and thoughtless assholes, they would see that if they just let it out more or gave it the slightest bit of thought, the dog wouldn't be shitting on the damn floor in the first place. Blaming the dog when it was the fault of the shitty owners, putting the blame on someone else because they're too stupid to realize they are being jerks and won't  admit that they are shitty people.  The dog gets pawned off to another asshole family that immediately labels the dog as damaged, lashing out in frustration instead of trying to understand why the dog has this problem in the first place.  Too lazy for the work involved.  To dumb to see their own faults. Blindness takes over, blame is placed solely on the dog,  it all his fault,  he's too much to deal with and it's off to the next family. And then another and another.  the poor dog still thinks that one day there will come a time where he will be loved but there is doubt for the first time and vows to try even harder to meet their expectations.  Trying so hard just to show everyone that He deserves a chance, wasting all his energy on the very people that will never see it.  selfishness is a parasite. It multiplies and takes over so you can't see what an asshole you've become.  even worse, you surround yourself with other assholes, thinking that this is the norm and this how people should behave.  Its safer being in a herd then to stray from the flock. Mindless sheep, prefer to follow the crowd off a fucking cliff then to stop and think that maybe plummeting  to their death is not such a good idea.  eventually that dog ends up alone in a shelter wondering why no one wants him.  And there he sits day in and day out thinking why doesn't anyone care.  He begins to believe what all the shitty owners believe, that he is damaged.  the once happy and cheerful pup is now filled with self doubt and sorrow. robbed of his happiness, no one wants a sad dog, justifying why he is there.   He is shit and everyone just proved it.  Weeks go by. Then months. Secretly he wishes that he'd be brought into that room with the gas as a means to end his suffering.  Anything is better then living with self hatred and doubt.  then something wonderful happens. a small child walks over to the dog pen and smiles with excitement.  That's the one, she squeals.  The cage handlers do their best to steer the family away from the dog with shit problem but that child doesn't want to hear it.  She just knows that this one is special.  The parents are reluctant but want to make there child happy so and are willing to sacrifice their time and over look the flaws of a helpless orphan. The parasite did not seem to get a hold of this family and what they discovered is how very special this dog really is.  So much love coming from such a damaged soul when all he ever wanted was to give it's heart to others.  to think that they could have just mindlessly skipped over that kennel and could have missed out on such a wonderful pet. That dog  just needed to be given a chance to prove that he is not all bad.  so the choice is yours. which one do you want to be? We are not born assholes, it is something that is learned and it can be unlearned by having Compassion, love and empathy.  This world can make us hard but Don't let it turn you into an asshole.  There are too many others out there already, we don't need anymore

You'll shoot your eye out

For the better part of my life, I have been dealing with some sort of mental illness and have been very candid about it.  I've done dozens of speeches in front of hundreds of people.  From big auditoriums to living room couches.  From being a panel speaker for UNICEF to front-line workers, police and clinicians to children at day camp. But the message has always been the same.  If you are struggling, reach out, tell someone and seek help.  Most of this I still find to be true except for one thing. 

After suffering from a severe anxiety disorder from high school and all through my twenties, I developed a unique way of explaining what it's like to live with my idiosyncrasies.  It was through this communication that I was able to keep lasting and meaningful relationships.  It's like hey, I’m a little bit crazy, I do some weird things, and my behaviour is kind of bizarre sometimes.  Don't worry, it's just the anxiety.   Oh Marisa and her wacky coping strategies.  To me, I'd  rather explain my behaviour then have People draw their own conclusions. That's probably why over the years I have had some many others be so comfortable sharing their personal struggles with me.   I think that's great because I wish I had someone I could relate to when I was struggling.  This is why I feel peer support is so important and why I do what I do. 

Many years later and boy was it a fight, I could comfortably say I was in remission so to speak with my illness.  But will all mental illness, it never really goes away and it came back but this time it surfaced as something different.   This was no longer the familiarity of my past relapses.  In fact, it was so offside that I didn't even know I was sick till it got really, really bad. Welcome to the world of depression.   So, I just climbed the biggest mountain in my life and now you are going to throw this shit at me?  Fine.  I climbed that mountain, I can beat this too.  But this time it was different and I don't mean the diagnosis, let me explain. 

When I had the Panic disorder, most of my friends and family were aware of my issues.  They even would kind of poke fun at my actions.   I didn't care. At least I had People to talk to.  It was accepted.  That's was illness.  This time around though, it was very different.  Instead of saying to my friends I have to wait till 11:00 to eat, I can't wear the bad shirt or have to wash my hands over and over again after I touch things I was talking about how bleak my life is and how I think everyone would be better off without me.   This did not go over well.  Slowing, people started to pull away.  The things I was so open about before (my thoughts and feelings) that was accepted was now taboo.  The more people pulled away, the more depressed I got.  The more depressed I got the more I reached out for someone to talk to.  The more I talked the more uncomfortable people became and in turn they retreated. Being abandoned is already very sad and a powerful emotion to deal with, now add that to the depression and it’s absolutely devastating.  One by one,  all the supports I had throughout my recovery with the anxiety were gone.  I was to blame for being a Debbie Downer. I was now a burden.  I was making people uncomfortable.  Angry. Resentful.  No one wanted to hang out with me if I was going to act like that (like I had a choice).  Well if you don't want my help or won't listen to me then you're on your own. The more hurt I got the more I lashed out.  Why isn't anyone listening? I can't understand why no one can see how much pain I'm in? I tried tirelessly to explain my actions, like I did in the past as to why I was acting the way I was but I couldn't get through to anyone.  No one would listen.  And they still won't hear.     The Pandora's box was opened and it tainted me.  I'm painted with the scarlet letter So now I'm left to fight this battle alone.  

We tell people to be open,   to break the stigma behind mental illness, to reach out. Connect. Talk.  And I still believe in this because everyone now and then needs some direction when someone is lost.  Now I’m finding out the hard way that when I ask for directions, I’m getting chastised for not having a map.    This is the thought that literally woke me up in the middle of the night is that what if this happens to  someone else?  Are we setting people up that are already in dire need for love and support to fail?  To push them further away from these supports through no fault of their owe? And that terrifies me.   Yes, I believe we should be able to talk openly and freely about everything,  including metal illness without fear or judgment, ridicule or abandonment  but I don't think we as a society are equipped to deal with this heavy subject matter.  We are just not there yet. 

Being rejected over and over again has made me realize that even though I want them to be, that I need them to be,  the people I love the most are not capable to help me in the way that I so desperately need.  And it's soul crushing. Why can't they give me the things I would give to them? I still don't understand how someone could walk away from anyone that is in that kind of pain, let alone someone they claim they care for.  But It's not their fault. They just don't know how to.  They might not even know how much their behaviour is harmful and it's making it worse. Forgive them.  It's not your fault either.  Remember that.  It's never your fault for the way people treat you.   You do deserve love, support and understanding, just like everyone else.    It's a hard realization that you are on your own and that's a pretty tall order to tell someone who is very ill when they need all the love and support then can get.  Now I wonder, if I didn't say anything.  If I kept all my icky thoughts to myself, and bottled it up inside,  would those people who left still be here today?  Would I be?  

There are natural helpers out there.  They may be hard to find but I prey that if you do reach out and your hand get slapped away,  that you try again and again and again.  Someone,  somewhere will grab on and won't let you go.  until then,  keep trying.   You deserve the very best even if the people around you make you feel like you're not worth it.   you are.